Please help me check this writing. Thanks for your time.
IELTS WRITING TASK 2 - CHILDREN DEVELOPMENTS
Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
There are many arguments regarding how children would become more beneficial when they are grown up. Some people believe that children should be inspired to compete with each other, while others are of the opinion that co-operation between children. I will discuss both views but personally, I agree that rewards of competition, which include creativity and self-reliance, outweigh the benefits of teaching the co-operation.
There are several reasons why the co-operation among children is beneficial. In such a way that they can share their knowledge, skills and ideas with each other, and as a result, this association may combine these features and create advanced ideas. For example, when I was a child, my science tutor assigned different groups of four students to do project regarding potential inventions. That group work provided us to improve various ideas that could be done at that time. In fact, co-operation can encourage the children to improve distinct ideas by means of team work.
Despite aforementioned benefits, there is also a case for advocating the competition between children. The argument to support this is the fact that children can be more creative under competitive and challenging study environment. Moreover, children can become independent and rely on themselves. For instance, I also had an individual project in my science lesson, and students were presenting their progress in the project every week. As I saw the others' project, I realized that I had to do more creative project to get higher mark.
In conclusion, I would argue that children development should be in the competitive environment because this generates more inventive ideas and makes children self-reliant. I recommend that ministry of national education should revise the school curriculum by means of increasing competitive activities.
try to avoid the expression like benefits outweigh disadvantages for this type of essay in the introduction and don't state any point in introduction as well as in conclusion which you won't explain, like the word self-reliance,, you didn't develop it in the body paragraph but you stated in both intro and conclusion.
please avoid giving two personal example while explaining your ideas rather provide some general instances.
do not use the same words in conclusion as in introduction, your conclusion fails to summerise the essay rather replicates the intro. you may use one complex sentence in presenting the crux, like although.... ,...
Thanks for your comments.
I think your essay is pretty good at grammar and arguments. However, I have some opinion about your essay, I hope it helps.
1/ The content of the essay
I think your introduction is slightly off-topic because it confuses me. Your idea and argument appear to answer for the "advantages outweigh disadvantages" type, while this topic requires you to discuss both views and give your opinion.
You don't mention any particular benefits regarding the two point of views, so it affects the connection between the three paragraphs (introduction, paragraph 1 and 2)
Your topic sentence in the body paragraphs is a bit too general even though you can explain them in the second sentence. And they convey too many ideas that can't be fully developed in the entire paragraph.
I don't think you should use a personal example in academic writing.
Your conclusion doesn't summarize the whole body paragraph as you omitted 1 view (children co-operation).
The main errors in your essay are related to articles. I'll point out some mistakes:
- ....reasons why
the co-operation among children.... => The is unnecessary in this sentence because you're talking about a very general topic, and "co-operation" is an uncountable noun.
- ....four students to do a project....
the children to ...
-...... Despite the aforementioned benefits..... => This is specific because you've already talked about it in the previous paragraph, so we need "the" here.
- .....under a competitive and challenging ...
There are still some more, you might want to check it yourself.
team work... => teamwork