Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 2

Children's manners and violent games - IELTS WRITING TASK2


Naoki28 10 / 18 2  
Nov 10, 2016   #1
Children today play very violent games. This must be the reason for the increase in violence and crime in most major cities of the world.

What are your opinion on this?


These days the number of violence and crime which young people involve is skyrocketing because of accessing video games easily. While children have the right of playing the games, adults should consider as growing up not to effect violently. I refer to the importance of regulation to violent games and means of protecting from violence in below.

At first, it is tendency that children effect on the behavior of adult easily. What they discover trial and error in many experiences is necessary for their parents. In other view, they cannot recover former condition if they give the effect on these games. Adults have to take care of children and teach not to play the games.

Next, governments and adults such as teachers and parents should consider means of regulating these games. First of all, the government must make the law preventing violence. This law aims to grow up children and many people agree with ease. Secondary, teachers have to tell students about the danger of violence. This attitude forbids on the law and gives people to trouble, so teachers need to tackle declining in the number of children concerning with violence and crime. At last, parent should teach their sons and daughters for good manners. When it comes to be better the manners, violence and crime are dropping all over the world.

In conclusion, I believe that governments and adults ought to deal with improving manners and learning. Without right manners, children cannot raise good boys and girls and the rate of crime is increasing.(255 words)

amrillahmk 29 / 47 6  
Nov 10, 2016   #2
Hi Naoki, overall it is a good, well-written essay. However, here are some suggestion from me. Honestly, I am little bit hard to understand what you addressed in the second paragraph because It seems the flow does not fluid clearly. Keep it up!

... crime which young people involveget involved is skyrocketing.
adults should consider as growing upgrown-upsnot to effect violentlythat such games would not bring any adverse effects for children

I referprefer to the importance of ...you can also write this way, i would argue that it is imperative to make regulations related to violent games as well as means of protecting in order to keep children safe.

it is tendency that children effect on could easily (...) of adult easily.

Whatwhen they discover trial and ...

if they giveget the effect on these games

Adults have to take care of their children and teach them not to play the games.

This law aims to grow up children in their infancy and many ...


Home / Writing Feedback / Children's manners and violent games - IELTS WRITING TASK2