Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback % width Posts: 2

IELTS Writing task 2: Children with mobile phone discussion


saklovesyao 1 / -  
Nov 25, 2021   #1
Hello, I'm currently practicing IELTS writing for my next exam. I hope you can help me to point out the pros and cons in my work. Thanks a lot!

Some people believe that children should be banned from using their phones during the school day. Others believe that children should be allowed to use their phones.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.



Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience


With the evolution of technology, mobile phone has become a crucial equipment of our life. It does not only helps adults with their work, but also the children with their learning and keeping in touch with their parents while they are apart. While there are opinions agrue that this device should be kept out of the children, I believe letting the kids keep a phone on their side, even on school days, brings more benefits than downsides.

The biggest concern when allowing children to keep a mobile phone is that they will focus too much to the virtual world and forget their real life and tasks. Most of the phones given to kids nowadays are smart phones, which help them to connect to the internet and have differents activities, as well as interactions with games and friends far away. It cannot be denied that these are more attractive than the schoolife and limited atmosphere around them. Therefore, the young will have a tendency of diving to explore the world that they do not know, thus, be distracted from study, and communicate less with their parents and relatives. Studies have shown that teenagers in recent decades spend more time surfing webs, joining different social media communities, and have fewer connections with people around them, which they hardly find anyone with the same habits as them.

Another problem that mobile phone brings about is that it can make children to face more dangers. It is not only about the cybercriminals, which is a new and popular concern with the bloom of social networks, but also about the old threat of thieves, who always waiting for chances to steal valuable things. Smartphones are not cheap, and it is one of the targets that the stealers aiming at.

However, the advantages of letting the kids with a mobile phones is obvious. Besides of being a tool to help parents keep track of their children, mobile phone also opens up a wide range of information to the young, giving them chances to learn more and extend their knowledge for better studying and growing. For many students, mobile phone has been a wonderful sidekick for them to search for materials for their paperwork, and encouraged them to investigate more on their school subjects.

In addition, mobile phone connects the young to share their thoughts. Since teenagers, especially in this era, do not have the same way of thinking as their parents, it is difficult for them to communicate with their mom and dad to find a solution for their problems. In some cases, students also find it hard to find friends that share their ideas, even at school, because of the small scale of classes and learning environment. However, with the help of mobile phone, this becomes easier. Many cases related to mental health, with depression and maybe also suicide thoughts, have been resolved with the help of online community. Even innovations have been made with the connection of the kids with the same ideas over the world.

In conclusion, the advantages of kids having a mobile phone outweigh the disadvantages, in terms of encouraging and helping them explore the world, although there are many problems that should be taken into consideration to create a safer environment for the ones involved.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 11,948 3858  
Nov 26, 2021   #2
As a basic rule, you must not begin the discussion of your opinion in the prompt restatement + opinion paragraph. This is only a 3 sentence paragraph comprised of:

- Discussion topic
- Reasoning basis
- Writer opinion + thesis statement

The first 2 sentences in your paragraph are personal opinion presentations that have altered the prompt discussion and its actual reasoning. So your essay will be deemed task inaccurate in terms of restatement, regardless of how proper your opinion statement is.

Your prompt restatement will be the main cause of the failure of your essay. It fails to properly restate 2 things before your personal opinion:
- Public opinion 1
- Public opinion 2

If you compare the original statement with your representation, you will see that you failed to recreate the statement based on the supplied reason. So the essay cannot move forward and be scored in a manner that will allow it to pass. If your restatement is not attuned with the original, then the essay has already failed a major part of the requirements for scoring.


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing task 2: Children with mobile phone discussion