Children Obesity and the Government and the parents responsibility (Aim for IELTS Writing 8.0!)

Hi everyone,

My name is Joshua. This is my first thread in this forum and I am going to take IELTS with a clear goal of achieving (hopefully) a 8.0 writing band score in IELTS. This is my first attempt of the writing task. I look forward to your feedback.

Josh

Childhood Obesity problem

Question:

Some people think that the Government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children, while others think it is the fault of the parents. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

Response:

Nowadays, an increasing number of school children are suffering from the problem of overweight. While the Government is often criticised for failing to curb childhood obesity effectively, others believe that their parents should instead be blameworthy. In this essay, I shall discuss both sides of the arguments as well as my view on the issue.

Criticism against the Government often arises from the poor supervision and regulation over children's diet and its food suppliers. It is not uncommon that Governments in many countries have failed to intervene by proposing new laws or financial disincentives to discourage the introduction of junk food to the market. As a result, fuelled by the force of globalization and effective marketing campaign, junk food - which often contains high fat and sugar contents while poor in nutritional value - is introduced as part of children's regular diet in chain stores set up by multinational fast-food businesses. Such non-intervention policy will, in turn, increase the likelihood of youngsters suffering from obesity.

On the other hand, other critics believe that poor parenting is a major reason for the soaring number of obese children. For instance, parents often allow their children to indulge in their portable devices for an entire day and hardly regulate their usages. Since these youngsters become less physically active to participate in sports and cardio exercise to burn the calories, it is very likely that they will become more prone to getting overweight.

I strongly believe that the Governments shoulder a greater responsibility for the worsening situation. While nation-wide legislation and policies that impose stricter punishment will have a greater impact on society, the Governments should introduce healthier diets in school and a curriculum that places more focus on physical education for the well-being of our children.

To conclude, despite the divided opinions as to the role of the Government and the parents in causing childhood obesity, it is my firm conviction that the former should have a greater role to play.

(326 words)

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Hi Joshua,

I think you better check the effectiveness of sentences, such as
- "It is not uncommon ... "
- " ... these youngsters .. "

Good luck.

The question asked you to discuss both opinions, so I think you should describe more in your third paragraph, so the structure of the essay can show balance. Besides, your responses are convincing.

Hi Josh, since you are asking to have your test scored, I prefer to do it on an individual basis so that you will know exactly where your strong and weak points are. Let's get started below:

TA - 6 - Paragraph 4, your personal opinion, should have explained why you do not believe that parents should be blamed for the rise in obesity among children. You need to counter the public point of view in order to convince the reader that your personal opinion is the correct one.

C&C - 6 - There are times when the length of your sentences hinder the understanding of your presentation. While you discuss only one topic within the paragraphs, the lack of rest points in the paragraph for the reader makes the passage difficult to follow thus making it confusing to read at times.

LR - 6 - Your lexical resource for the English language is intermediate. You know enough to get your point across but your word choices lack a complexity that would offer the idea that you have an increased English vocabulary capacity.

GRA - 5 - You are attempting to use complex sentences but end up presenting run-on sentences instead. Always divide your sentences into short but informative presentations. Your run-on sentences are created by your use of commas to connect your thoughts in the sentence, even if the ideas are not connected and should be presented individually instead. Limit your sentences to 5 informative presentations that do not over discuss the topic.

This is not a bad first attempt. You could probably score a 6.5 for this type of writing. That means you have the potential to reach your target score of 8 if you can improve your lexical resources, develop better sentence presentations, and learn to create highly informative paragraphs that do not ramble on. Keep writing. I have a feeling you will reach your target score sooner rather than later. I look forward to helping you achieve that.