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TOEFL; Children & their own money? lack of self-control and financing conception


aliceNN 8 / 23  
Sep 12, 2013   #1
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? In order to become financially responsible adults, children should learn to manage their own money at young age.

To agree or disagree the statement that children should be their own money spending decider in order to be more responsible when they become an adult is a matter of balancing of its pros and cons.However as far as I concerned, when people consider this statement carefully, he or she is attribute to the agreement as I do.

First, Managing money at a young age can bring loads of merits to children growing progerss. They can learn to be more independent throughing planning their monetary activities. When parents give their children a monthly fee, which is a start to children, they may divide their money into several parts according to their dailylife activities and their hobbies. Gaining their own money shows that either they can buy commodities and items they want or they should act as their mom to make an realiable spending plan in case of they run out of their money while the month is not end.Via this process, children would make up for their over-spending mistake , learn how to make the cost more sensiblely, consequently, to be an more planful and responsible adult.

However, Managing money is not a only phrase. As every coin has two sides, children learn to manage their own money at their early age would cause some disadvantages to them. As we know, compared to adults, children would lack of self-control and financing concept, so they may can't stand of temptation of delicated toys, beautiful dress, lovely dolls, etc, and thus spend majority of their own money to buy these items without carefully consideration. Under this situation, parents are the best guider and supervisor to them, if parents pay enough attention to their children witn respect to their spending plan, this concern will be solved.

Generally speaking, allowing children to manage their own money at their early age can lead to children a responsible life, the advantages of this issue overweigh the disadvantages of this issue, in my point of this view, children should control their own money with the accompany of their parents' closely guide.

Aloha363 2 / 4 2  
Sep 16, 2013   #2
As every coin has two sides, children learn to manage their own money at their early age would cause some disadvantages to them

On the other side , learning to manage their own money at early age would directly cause them bad effects

as we know, compared to adults, children would lack of self-control and financing concept, so they may can't stand of temptation of delicated toys, beautiful dress, lovely dolls, etc, and thus spend majority of their own money to buy these items without carefully consideration

This sentences is too long . U can divide it into : " as we know, compared to adults, children would lack of self-control and financing concept, so they may can't stand of temptation of delicated toys, beautiful dress, lovely dolls, etc . Consequently , they waste majority of their own money to buy these items without carefully consideration
OP aliceNN 8 / 23  
Sep 16, 2013   #3
thank u~ Aloha363
this sentence is better.

On the other side , learning to manage their own money at early age would directly cause them bad effects

I'll take ur advice.

This sentences is too long . U can divide it into : " as we know, compared to adults, children would lack of self-control and financing concept, so they may can't stand of temptation of delicated toys, beautiful dress, lovely dolls, etc . Consequently , they waste majority of their own money to buy these items without carefully consideration

btw, do u think the structure of my passage is ok?
Aloha363 2 / 4 2  
Sep 16, 2013   #4
aliceNN
Well, from my point of view , I think your ideas are quite good. U're trying to make complex sentences . However , u have some trouble with ur vocabulary, especially in long senteces. For instance

Via this process, children would make up for their over-spending mistake , learn how to make the cost more sensiblely, consequently, to be an more planful and responsible adult.

this sentence should be separated
OP aliceNN 8 / 23  
Sep 16, 2013   #5
so....would it be better if I try to short simple sentences instead of long complex sentences in toefl writing?

However , u have some trouble with ur vocabulary

could u take another example for me ? (coz I am not understand it completely)

thx : )
Aloha363 2 / 4 2  
Sep 16, 2013   #6
Generally speaking, allowing children to manage their own money at their early age can lead to children a responsible life, the advantages of this issue overweigh the disadvantages of this issue, in my point of this view, children should control their own money with the accompany of their parents' closely guide.

There're two "issue" in this sentence. U can use " problem " , "matter" ... . This sentence has 2 main points . The first point is : Generally speaking, allowing children to manage their own money at their early age can lead to children a responsible life, the advantages of this issue overweigh the disadvantages of this issue . The second is : in my point of this view, children should control their own money with the accompany of their parents' closely guide .

I think that this sentence need to be divided into 2 different sentences
OP aliceNN 8 / 23  
Sep 17, 2013   #7
yes, I think ur advice is good, I'll take ur advice.
thxxx again ; )


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