There is a problem with the stand of the writer in this essay in that he changed the focus of the essay from video games to the responsibility of parents when it comes to providing care for their children. That should not happen in an opinion essay of this sort. Why? The discussion focus is clearly indicated in the original statement. It should never deviate from 2 reasons based upon:
CHILDREN TODAY PLAY VERY VIOLENT GAMES.
Nowhere in the prompt do they ask if the parents have a responsibility in this scenario. Only violent video games are to blame for:
for the increase in violence and crime in most major cities of the world.
These are the 2 topics that should be discussed over 2 reasoning paragraphs. The first reasoning paragraph should cover the reasons why children play violent video games. The second, should explain how the video games result in real world violence from the influence of GTA on car theft and copycat attacks on people using MMA or wrestling video games as a basis.
The overall essay does not respond to the task as required. It is a failing score essay due to the prompt deviation and lack of relevant discussion points. This is too bad since the word count of the essay was just perfect for high scoring consideration. Unfortunately, misread the prompt discussion instruction and the essay will definitely receive a failing score.