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IELTS Essay - Children are raised by grandparents. How family is affected?


Hi All,

Can you please review the essay and give suggestions to improve?

Essay topic - Today the majority of children are raised by their grandparents, due to the fact that their parents are busy working. To what extent do you think it affects the whole family?

In today's competitive world when parents are busy accomplishing their career goals, children more often are brought up by their grandparents. Children keep grandparents away from being lonely as well as parents get assured that their kids are being taken care well. It is felt most of the time whole family get benefited due to this except those situations where grandparents cannot adjust with the advanced lifestyle because of their traditional mentality. The following paragraphs will illustrate the merits of this position.

Typically, aged people feel depressed and lonely. But when they get a chance to look after the little ones, they become lively and energetic keeping aside their health issues. Besides taking care of the kid's health, grandparents also teach them good manners, some practical thoughts of life. Parents also become free from worries as they know nobody can take better care of kids than the near and dear ones. To give an example, children raised by grandparents are healthier and well behaved than those brought up in a child care. Thus, it is evident that the whole family gains from this arrangement.

However, sometimes elderly people stick to their conventional mentality and don't want to adopt modern lifestyle. Because of their rigidness, whole family suffers as youngsters failed to learn contemporary things and parents can not intervene always thinking not to disrespect the seniors. To illustrate, grandparents sometimes disapprove the modern technology based teaching mechanism causing children to lag behind in their studies. This shows how families suffer when grandparents are not so mentally progressive.

It can be concluded that it is very beneficial for the family if grandparents look after their grandchildren. But it should also be kept in mind that the seniors should be open-minded enough to accept the new changes in society.

Jun 2, 2014   #3
where grandparents cannot adjust withadopt the advanced lifestyle because of their traditional mentality.

I think you have repeated the word "mental" and its forms too much, maybe replace with other words might be better? Like cognative or paradigm or simply thoughts, don't you think?

Because of their rigidness, whole family suffers as youngsters failed to learn contemporary things and parents can not intervene always thinking not to disrespect the seniors .

I'm a little confused when reading this sentence, though I understand your idea, maybe you should rephrase and pay attention to the blue phrsases because that's where i'm stuck.

In general, your essay is well-written (as for me). Your vocabulary is adequate, structures okay, ideas well organized and coherent. Love to see more to study from your essays :)
grandparents also teach them good manners, some practical thoughts of life

grandparents also teach them good manners and some practical thoughts of life

you may put 'and' because there is no additional information after the word 'life'
Jun 4, 2014   #5
Children keep grandparents away from being lonely as well as parents get assured that their kids are being taken care well.

.... this sentence is pretty confusing... what does it really mean?
This is the approach I suggest to you for the intro-
Begin your essay with a good hook (first sentence which is very catchy, interesting and relevant). Then explain the background of the issue. Finally, state your opinion. Since this is a task which is very time sensitive, follow an appropriate structure for that.
Jun 4, 2014   #6
Same with the first post I saw, I can see no more errors in here other than the ones edited. Keep it up dude.


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