This is my essay for IELTS. I'm not really sure my argument is covering this topic.. Please give me some advices and correct grammar mistakes. Thanks.!
In many countries, children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experiencem important for learning and taking resposiblily. What are your opinions in this?
Recentely, some young children in developed countries get involved in the employment markets or self-employment by opening websites and even the Youtube. Some educational experts argue that children need to recieve the proper education the be good citizens. However, others insist that working in the early age can be beneficail for young children as an educational aspect. In regard to this issue, I srongly stand by the opinion that the poper education should be necessary for children before getting involved in the employment activites.
First of all, early employment for children could be advantageous in some ways. Firstly, they can be more resposible of their tasks in work places, which is a prerequisite to be a good citizen. Secondly, they can be independent financially from their patents so that they can gain the ability of management their incom, rather than recieving pocket money and spend it. Besides, they can have distinguished career with the profound working experiences when they are just the 20's.
On the other hand, we cannot underestimate the importance of education for children. It is common to hear that children have an unlimited potentiality on the ability. That is to say, they can be doctors, artists or judges in the courts if they are well educated. Furthermore, there is no boubt that the education make better citizen, which means they can learn social manners, morals and social duties, which are the important prerequisites for good citizens, through the education in the schools. Moreover, children are not likely to be mature enough to manage their income. Therefore, there is no guerantee that then can be fanacially independent.
In conclusion, whether working in the early age has advantages or not is the matter of two sides in the same coin. However, as mentioned previousely, educating children outweigh putting then into working areas. Therefore,there is a need for us to consider that growing children to handymen, rather than to scientists and doctors is a sound way to contribute on this education-demanded society.
I hope to help you, but I can only find your grammatic errors.
they can be financially independent from their patents so that they can gain the ability of managing their income, rather than recieving pocket money and wasting it.
they can be more resposible of their tasks in work places
...I can guess what you mean, but still think somethings incorrect in this sentence. Maybe it is better to express yourself in another way
However, others insist that working in the early age can be beneficail toyoung children as an educational aspect.
1,be beneficial to/benefit from
2,children is already young and do not need to add adjective "young"
Some educational experts argue that children need to recieve the proper education to be good citizens.
It is common to hear that children have an unlimited potential on the ability.
(I'm not really sure this is true, what do you mean by unlimited, and what is potential on the ability? This feels like a flawed idea. I'd prefer to say "Children have great potential to do many things in future, such as becoming a doctor,...)
Just my two cents :)
