Screen dependency problem
Topic: Nowadays, children spend too much time watching TV and playing computer games. Some people believe this has negative effects on children's mental abilities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
In modern society, it is much easier for children to get computer games and spend more time on TV than before. Besides, parents are busy finishing and handling their work. As a result, they do not have enough time to accompany their children. And parents will use TV and games to accompany their children. Thus, children waste a lot of time on this electronic entertainment. Is it a negative effect on children's mental abilities? To me, I agree with this point. I think watching TV and playing computer games are negative on children's mental abilities.
First of all, watching TV and playing computer games cause children to reduce thinking. TV programs and computer games provide numerous images and sounds. Children do not have the opportunity to imagine and create their thinking. They lose the opportunity to think and grow up. It will affect children's mental abilities. By contrast, activities like reading or drawing develop many areas of the brain and help children to think and imagine.
In the second place, children will decrease interaction with other people because of spending much time watching TV and playing computer games. When children spend a lot of time watching TV and playing computer games all day, they will not have time and the opportunity to play outdoors with other people. Physical activity also helps with brain development. Therefore, children should be discouraged from watching TV and playing computer games.
To conclude, our bodies and minds need to move and think. If we stop them moving, our bodies and minds will get worse. Therefore, we should help children's mental abilities through reading and drawing instead of spending too much time watching TV and playing computer games.
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You did not properly paraphrase the prompt. The first paragraph of the IELTS Task 2 essay is always focused on your English comprehension skills. That means, you are asked to paraphrase the instructions so that you will be able to show that you understood :
- The topic for discussion - children spend too much time watching TV and playing computer games.
- The reason for the discussion - Some people believe this has negative effects on children's mental abilities
- The discussion format - To what extent do you agree or disagree?
In this case the above should have presented in the paraphrase as:
- Topic : Youngsters consume their time with digital game activities and small screen entertainment.
- Reason: Citizens have the opinion that these activities have an adverse effect on kids intellectual development
- Discussion format: I greatly agree with this statement due to two reasons.
Never present a question in your own essay. That could accidentally lead to a discussion deviation. Stick to the provided information for the discussion question. You do not need to provide a contrasting statement in the essay. It is not required discussion and constitutes a prompt deviation. Specially since you did not try to develop that contrasting statement in the presentation. Points will be deducted for that.
Your conclusion is a clear deviation from the original prompt. It should only be a restatement of the body of your discussion. It should cover a restatement of the topic, reason for discussion, and summarize your discussion paragraphs within 3-5 sentences. Your essay is not properly formatted and will suffer several points deductions because of it.