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Children suffer more pressure from academic, social and commercial aspects

Leduythaiduong 1 / -  
Mar 12, 2019   #1
Hi guys. Hope you have a nice day.
Please evaluate my essay. Thanks in advance.

Q: Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives.
What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures?

children suffer greater mental stress NOWADAYS

A: Children are no doubt the future of tomorrow. As the world keeps on advancing and expanding, it's no suprise if they have more pressure from academic, social and commercial aspects.

There are many factors contribute to this pressure but I think these are the main ones. The first is movie. Most popular movies depict a successful person as someone who has high income or is famous. But that isn't success. Success is when you achieve your own goals. It is neither based on your salary nor popularity. Yet many believe otherwise and consider others as failures. They could really put much pressure on their children.

Technology breakthroughs in modern day is also a cause. Children is thought to be smarter, more intelligent due to easier access to information. This can be a drawback as well. More information, if isn't selected carefully, could lead them to an existential crisis because they don't know what are their strengths, weaknesses and which career path they should follow.

In conclusion, there are many reasons for the pressure today's youth is facing. And I think the only measure can be done is to let them be kids, let them play, destroy, build, and study what ever they want. Just let them be themselves.

FoxTrot05 2 / 2 4  
Mar 12, 2019   #2

Here's some feedback on your essay.

First, I would expand the introduction into a full paragraph. I would add in more information on the topic and come up with a more stronger thesis statement. Your thesis statement should be so you stand on a side of an argument and that you support one over the other. The topic is asking if children are facing more pressure from the 3 elements so in order to write your thesis, you would either agree with the statement or disagree with it. Also I would avoid assumptions such as "its no surprise" because it may create a bias and you want to present your argument with evidence which is more compelling.

Next, you're essay question is asking the 3 ways that children are facing pressure which are academic, social and commercial ways. Right now you have 2 body paragraphs and I will assume that you will be writing the 3rd one? I think that you're missing the "commercial" body paragraph here. Also dont forget that the question is also asking for the solutions to the problems that you stated. I would maybe write the problem in 1 paragraph and write the solution in another paragraph which then you will end up with 6 paragraphs. I recommend this way so that you are focused on presenting your idea 1 at a time and you can organize your thoughts.

So lets look at your first body paragraph, in the beginning you state that there are many factors but you only stated one point. So instead you can reword it like so "there are many factors from social pressure and the main issue is the depiction of a "successful individual" in films". Usually in an essay, you want to avoid using "I believe" or "I think" unless you are writing an opinion essay.

Next paragraph, you make a good point about technology being harmful but I would research a bit more into it. You said that "Children is thought to be smarter, more intelligent due to easier access to information" and where/who did you get this information from? It would help if you added citations from an article or research paper. Also, I would rephrase this sentence to maybe "Children nowadays have easy access to information through a technology medium and it discourages them to critically think and halts the learning process." Technology doesnt necessarily make children smart but I would think that knowing how to use technology devices who make them capable.

Lastly, the conclusion should include a short summary of what you wrote in your essay to your readers. Some times readers need a reminder if the essay become lengthy. This is also where you would restate your thesis statement. Like I said above, you want to write the thesis so that you are representing a side to an argument.
Holt - / 7,546 2001  
Mar 14, 2019   #3
Le, unfortunately, all of the reviews int he world will not be able to help this essay in its current form. Once you submit an essay for scoring that has less than the 250 minimum word requirement, the examiner will have no other recourse but to fail your Task 2 test. In this instance, you provided an essay of a mere 208 words. 42 words short of the test minimum requirement. The 42 words will be one of the severe reasons for your points deductions in the TA section. The other reason your test will fail, is because you failed to offer a direct response to the questions being asked of you in the original prompt. As such, the TA score will be considered only partially correct or tangential in response. Added to the rest of the errors that exist in this essay, there is simply no chance of your essay even making it near a passing score.

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