Some people say that what children watch influences their behaviour. Others believe the amount of time they spend on television influences their behaviour most.
Discuss both view and give your opinion.
People have differing views about what affects children's behaviors most. While some people consider that it is the amount of time children spend watching television, I would argue that it is the content of the programs they watch.
On the one hand, there are various reasons why children's behaviors are impacted by the amount of time they spend sitting in front of the television. Firstly, if children watch too much TV, they will develop a habit of watching and eventually become addicted to TV for entertainment. This might lead to the scenario where children spend all the day with the TV, neglect outdoor activities and trap themselves in a sedentary lifestyle. Secondly, those who spend all the time watching TV may isolate themselves from the people around them. As a result, they will have less interaction and therefore, do not develop any social skills that are considered essential for their lives.
On the other hand, while viewing time may harm preschoolers to a certain extent, I still believe that the programs' content influences their actions most. The main reason is that children still have not developed the awareness enough to distinguish between the right and the wrong. If they are exposed to counter-educational programs, they will have some misconceptions and inappropriate behaviors, which will result in the tendency that children imitate what they are seen on the screen. For instance, violent scenes on TV shows show children a bad example of manners and affect their thoughts as well as their behaviors when they grow up.
In conclusion, although the amount of time preschoolers spend viewing TV programs may have some effect on children's actions, I believe what they watch influences them most.
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In order to fully develop each discussion point in this essay format, you have to present you point of view in comparison with the public point of view. Note that the original prompt has 2 public discussion points that require individual explanations for the reasons in stand alone paragraphs. Your opinion should do one of two things:
1. Oppose or support each point of view based on your understanding of the public opinion. Give the public opinion, explain the reasoning behind it. Then give your thoughts on that opinion. Do this within 2 paragraphs.
2. Strongly discuss the reasons the public have for supporting each statement as an individual paragraph. Then give a separate paragraph that presents your opinion and discussion / comparison of both points of view, culminating in a supporting statement for one of the two.
In the presentation that you used, you failed to use the public points of view prior to your opinion. So, rather than a comparative essay + personal opinion format, which is the correct format for this discussion, you used a single point of view presentation instead. It is a format that will gain you only a partial score based on a representation of only a single opinion, rather than the 3 opinion presentation requirement. The essay is improperly formatted and only responds to one area of the discussion presentation requirement.
Your essay is well written, but it fails to show expertise in English. To start with, you could improve your sentence structures. I feel you are able to put your point across but not very efficiently. Try to use more concise, less repetitive sentences. Your third paragraph, for example, seemed to be a notable victim of this. Using slightly more complex and varied vocabulary would also help show your grasp on the language. The usage of phrases or proverbs, if applicable, would have the same effect.
Secondly, you could make your essay more compelling to read. The beginning of the essay is often recommended to be made exciting or gripping. Yours, unfortunately, does not produce that effect. You could use a proverb, an exclamation, or even an interesting fact. Moreover, adding certain statistics from studies could also go a long way in driving your point home. Remember, IELTS does not care whether or not your facts/statistics are real. They may very well be made up.
Finally, you could also give a brief as to why you feel the amount spent watching TV is not as important. This would help answer your prompt more holistically, allowing you to both acknowledge and subsequently counter to the general opinion of the time spent being significant. Adding a sort of solution, say, parents promoting educational content on TV, would also make your essay seem well-rounded.
I hope this was helpful, and I wish you the best of luck!
thank you guys so much