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IELTS: Children are working for money, therefore they learn the value of money

19epuzam 2 / 5 3  
Apr 26, 2014   #1
Please check and give a band score. Thanks in advance!

In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning and taking responsibility.

What are your opinion on this ?

The right ways of upbringing children always caused numerous debates in the society and have been a dilemma for many centuries. The breeding of a person is one of the most significant issues facing the world today. Literally children are our future. They are the ones who will revise the world and who will be responsible for future decisions that can alter our future. Therefore it has excessive impact on every aspect of life mainly society.

As cultures strongly differ from each other it's interesting fact that each nation has dissimilar point of view regarding upbringing of a child. It includes work issues as well.

Most people consider that children don't must work until the age of 18. Because work is something that requires strong health, stress tolerance, seriousness and responsibility. They think child's personality has been formed neither mentally nor physically to manage the stress, pressure. But the question is will be children able to be good workers if they don't know what does work really mean. In my opinion for their own good, children can be involved in some paid work during summer time. In reality life is very harsh. When most children leave their own world and make first steps into the real world they stuck in their childhood and face quandaries and just fall to pieces. In contrast, working can teach them to be industrious, hard-working, intrepid and more self-reliant. For example: In USA is a common tradition for juveniles to leave family home at 16 and live independently on their own while in eastern countries it seems cruel and wild for parents set their children free till they are 20 or even 26. As a result, even as a grown-up they depend on their families and just can't survive without them.

I therefore conclude that working would teach them the value of money and most importantly will prepare them to withstand the hardships of adult life.

tiaDS 73 / 235 52  
Apr 28, 2014   #2
1. Not separating paragraphs. Your score will immediatey drop if you do not separate paragraphs clearly. My advice: leave a full line between paragraphs.

It's true what mr. eddies said and your writing needs more work to read because make reader confuse.

For me writing task 2 is more complicated than writing task 1. We have to know types of paragraphs which are 5 types;
1. Listing
2. Squence
2.1 Time
2.2 Process
3. Cause and Effect
4. Problem and Solution
5. Comparison and contrast.

In the body paragraph we have to implement those types or at least 2 types, because reader will be bored to read if we only use a type.
fikri 5 / 317 71  
Apr 28, 2014   #3
Most people consider that children don't must work until the age of 18.

read a good grammar book, you cannot put don't followed by modal.
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,208 476  
Apr 30, 2014   #4
Children at work raise long-standing debates. While some people argue that this is good to teach new skills and experience, some others claim this idea is totally wrong because this deprives children of their childhood. Therefore, I too believe that work life experience contributes to children's development to be productive members of society during their adult life.

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