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TOEFL ESSAY CHOOSE WHERE TO GO


Keng 39 / 134  
Dec 1, 2009   #1
Please revise my essay I am happy to receive some feedback so that I can improve the writing skill.

Thank you.

This is the question:

You have the opportunity to visit a foreign country for two weeks. Which country would you like to visit? Use specific reasons and details to explain your choice

In my opinion, China is the most attractive country that I would like to visit. I am interested in its long history, peculiar architecture and popular culture. By going to China, I will have an opportunity to drink in China's unique characteristics that are difficult to understand through television.

First of all, I will talk with local guides about Chinese dynasties that were powerful in the past. When going to China, I will have a face-to-face conversation with the local guides about the Chinese dynasties. If I am confused about them, I can talk them over until I understand them. However, if I learn Chinese dynasties through television, you must pay close attention to them because, in television program, although I can watch it again and again, I am not able to learn more than what is screened on television.

Second, by setting foot on China, I will be happy to take in The China Wall and The Forbidden city. I will have a good chance to go everywhere around both areas so that I can learn mysterious aspects that are rarely shown in the television program.

Third, when traveling to China, I will recognize the popularity of the Dragon parade ceremony which is organized around the world where Chinese people live. The best way to know more about this event is to talk with local people rather than watch the television because they can very informative about it. Moreover, I can inquire about the Dragon parade ceremony more precisely by having a good relationship with local people so that they are willing to provide you with clear information which, in some way, is better than that of the television.

To sum up, In China, there are a great number of mysterious and impressive things more than any other in Asia. Because my grandfather is a Chinese people who migrated to Thailand, I really want to learn more about a history, ancient palaces, and the unseen culture. To attain the goal, traveling to China will help me a lot to learn these things by my eyes rather on television in my own country.

meisj0n 8 / 272 2  
Dec 1, 2009   #2
However, if I learn Chinese dynasties through television, you must pay close attention to them because, in television program, although I can watch it again and again, I am not able to learn more than what is screened on television. <run-on sentence.>

In your second paragraph, maybe include this could go with learning about it's culture and long history.

I can learn mysterious aspects that are rarely shown in the television program. <You mention this at least 5 times throughout the essay, once in each paragraph. maybe mention what you see on television and how you want to visit/explore the scenes that appear. Just saying that being in China to see things first hand, not through the screen of a television doesn't provide the detail that the prompt asks for.>

You have a flow of words, with the first, second, third, "to sum up," etc but can you be more creative and show about this:

I really want to learn more about a history, ancient palaces, and the unseen culture. To attain the goal, traveling to China will help me a lot to learn these things by my eyes rather on television in my own country. <this should be your focus, so many talk more about how each of the three:history, palaces, and culture are motivation for you to go to China.>
nikky4u 2 / 5  
Dec 1, 2009   #3
Try using stronger adjectives and verbs "attractive" captivating etc. also try taking out first, second... It will make your essay stronger. Also use multiple adjectives to describe the Chinese places you enjoy. historical, eye catching palaces. something like that
OP Keng 39 / 134  
Dec 2, 2009   #4
Thank you for your feedback.


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