When choosing a career, financial gain should be the most important consideration.
In my opinion, when choosing a career, the money you will be paid for a job should not the most important consideration. It is true that money is important to enjoy life and sleep quiet without regrets. Anyway, I believe to be happy with your job should be the most important consideration before thinking about the money.
The kind of work you have to do, is much more important than the money you will get, as you have to do a job many hours a day. I think to be happy is what everybody wants to be. In order to reach this level of happiness, it is important that you are interested in your job and like it. Imagine how great the feeling can be to stand up early in the morning, excited to go to your workplace. For example if a person hates fish and each day he has to work up to ten hours in a fish factory he will get sad and depressed, even if he gets 10000$ a month for his work. The reason is, you can not replace lifetime by money!
Moreover, when choosing a career, it is important that the environment and working atmosphere suits for you, before considering the financial gain. As already mentioned in the previous paragraph, you will spend many time of your life in a job and therefore it is important to have lovely people around. In many cases people spend more time with their co-workers than their families. Thus a comfortable workplace and a good atmosphere are also inalienable conditions when choosing a career.
In conclusion money is not everything. On the one hand financial gains are important to have a quiet night without being afraid not be able to pay your bills. However, work is part of your life, so it is much more important that you are interested in what you do and have good working conditions.
I have provided you with some suggestions that could make your essay better. I hope that you will be happy with the results.
1st paragraph: In the first sentence, place the word "be" after should not. There are many ways you can say sleep quiet. Would you like to say rest easily or have a good night's rest? Replace anyway with another transition word. You can use However, Yet, etc. You should change: ...I believe to be happy... with "...I believe being happy..."
2nd paragraph: First, move the 1st sentence in the 2nd paragraph to the end of the paragraph. This should be your last sentence. Place a comma after "For example" and "factory". Delete the comma after depressed.
Do you want this number to be $10,000 a month? I'm unsure about the meaning, lifetime with money. Would you like to say happiness with money? Change the first part of the last sentence to: "Therefore, the kind of work you do is..."
3rd paragraph: You can change suits to "is suitable". Delete many time of and replace with "much". Place a comma after "cases" and "Thus".
4th paragraph: Place a comma after, "In conclusion" and "On the one hand".
I would suggest changing part of the sentence to: "... to sleep easy and have the ability to pay your bills".
You wrote a wonderful essay, about work and the values involved in it.
...I believe to be happy...
You repeat this sentiment over and over again. This is a good way to make a point. By the end of the essay you have said it enough tie prove, your argument. The organization is good, but you should give one paragraph, to the benefits of making money. So you add strength, with the use of pro and con. This would give you the more standard 5 paragraph essay.
In conclusion, money isn't everything...
You should take that idea and say that money cant give you happiness, but how it can help. Then, next paragraph, conclude with its not the most important thing.
Good job with vocabulary and grammar. Just a few changes, to a polished essay, with another paragraph on why money is good motivation, for working.
I think your introduction need to rewrite.
In my opinion, when choosing a career, the money (...)Let me try:"When choosing a career, financial gain should be the most important consideration"A perfect career is a vital aspect for plenty of people to survive live. As such, Some persons argue that persons should consider how the amount of money they are going to obtain before choosing a career. Whilst it true to some extent, I would argue that though financial purposes influence people in taking a career, people should see that enjoyable workplace is an important aspect. Hope it's helpful.
You use "important" word too many times.
@Iqbal Do you mean that serious?!