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"Choosing between a house and a business" - TOEFL Essay


waterforce1205 2 / 2 1  
May 24, 2016   #1
Please help me correct the grammar and usage of this TOEFL essay. These are just the developmental paragraphs. I have not written the introductory & concluding. Thank you so much!

Topic: "You have enough money to purchase either a house or a business. Which would you choose to buy? Give specific reasons to explain your choice."

Purchasing a business
First and foremost, what I put in my priority is reasonable investment. Clearly, being a business investor cost us nothing. When we buy a company, we risk our money without knowing that if it is profitable or not. But there are insurance companies. These company insure our money, and if we lose any, they are certain to give it back to us. Thus doing this is safe. Furthermore, investing in a business creates chance for us to accumulate wealth. Today, in a world where the marketplaces are highly dynamic, new products and effective services are always in demand. If we find good and creative ideas, the business will be likely to be successful. And with a well-mannered orientation, it is possible for a business to make large profit. With no doubt, this purchase is justifiable.

In the second place, self-perfection is what I put my priority in. It is widely known that being an entrepreneur asks us to connect all employees. We have to understand every company members and involve them to work together in a same work. Furthermore, we are certain to entrust the suitable tasks for each person. Therefore, this is one of the best way to develop leadership skill. On the other hand, the possession of a company requires us a lot of knowledge and experiences. To drive the company in its way, we are bound to gain more information about the business we are doing. Sometimes, there is likelihood that we have to do take feedback of our new services or products. Without no doubt, this really help us to accumulate knowledge and experiences.

Purchasing a house:
First and foremost, what I put in my priority is life essential. It is common knowledge that owing a house show the responsibility of us with our family. A house creates a stable place for your family to live in. Therefore, we and our family is likely to have a settled job and life. This is the foundation for an independent life. More notably, having a house bring you the necessary privacy. Our personal things are in private. We are likely to free to do the things we like. It is one of the most important requirements of human. With no doubt, a house is vital for our life.

In the second place, reliable investment is what I put my priority in. Clearly, being a house buyer is no risky. The house always belongs to us. Our possessions are protected by the law. Thus this is a safe purchase. More important, a house is always in demand. Therefore, it is a valuable property and not easy to lose price. It is possible for us to create wealth with house trading. This is a justifiable investment. Without no doubt, choosing a house is reasonable.

erdenezaya 1 / 2 2  
May 25, 2016   #2
I found that it is interesting topic. I have observed followings.

1. having a house bring(s) you. add -s to bring.
2. I have prepared to take IELTS and read several essays scored more than 7. Those essays do not use the word "therefore" in the beginning of the sentence. It is better have understanding about its location.

3. in the last paragraph, not "a house", I think "the house" because you have already mentioned about house in your essay.

4. you put very good argument in the essay, but, in general, the sentences are shorter and simple.

good luck!!!
aviniwirastri [Contributor] 10 / 35 11  
May 25, 2016   #3
hi buddy...

paragraph 1 :
Clearly, being a business investor costs us nothing.
... our money without knowing that if / (whether = more appropriate in writing) it is profitable or not.
These company(ies) insure our money, and if we lose any, they are certain to give it back to us.
Furthermore, investing in a business createsgives us a chance for us to accumulate wealth.
comment : i don't really get your point. i think you need to start with a main idea, then followed by supporting idea. don't jump from one idea to another.

paragraph 2
In the second place, self-perfection is what I put in my priority in .
We have to understand every company members and involve them to work together in athe same work. (what do you mean with the same work? is it the same portion of work or the same kind of work or what?)

Therefore, this is one of the best ways to develop leadership skill. On the other hand, the possession offounding / establishing / setting up a company requires ...

Sometimes, there is likelihood that we have to do take feedback of ...
Without no doubt, this really helps us to accumulate ...

paragraph 3
First and foremost, what I put in my priority is life essential . It is common knowledge that owing a house showrepresentsthe responsibility of usour responsibility with our family.

More notably, having a house brings you the necessary privacy.
We are likely to free to do the things we like.
comment :
be careful with singular and plural.
structuring a sentence is your biggest problem. as i see that you translate the sentences directly from your mother language. it will sometimes be uncommon in English. so i doubt that your meaning is not appropriately same with what readers capture.


paragraph 4
In the second place, reliable investment is what I put in my priority in . Clearly, being a house buyer is no risky.buying a house has no risk. Our possessionsownership isare protected by the law.

It is possible for us to createbe wealthywithby house trading.

i hope it is useful.thank you.
madmoiselle 21 / 33 5  
May 25, 2016   #4
... house show us the responsibility of us withfor our family. A house creates a stablesafe place for your family to live in.
More notably, having a house bringlead you to the necessarypersonal privacy becauseOur personal things are in private is necessity. We are likely to free to do theany things we like.

Thus, this is a safe purchase.
Therefore, it is a valuable property and not easy to loselosing the price.


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