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Choosing an option between A and B - Task 2 writing - CELPIP test

HanNguyen0510 18 / 40 17  
Aug 24, 2018   #1

Shopping Complex vs Recreation Park option

Option A: Shopping Complex: This shopping mall would include restaurants, a larger supermarket and a movie theater.
Option B: Recreation Park: this park would include a sports complex, a large green area, and a small petting zoo.
What option that you prefer. Why do you prefer your choice? Explain the reason for your choice. Write about 150-200 words.

I prefer to spend my spare time at Shopping Complex rather than go to Recreation Park in this weather. It is too scorching hot to enjoy at Recreation Park.

A preferred form of entertainment is watching movies. There is a movie theater in Shopping Complex. It is located at the 5th floor and next to it are restaurants, which allows people to access to their meal in a convenient way. People will have more options at Shopping Complex such as eating, watching a movie, or shopping for various goods. There are lots of new movies in which present at various show time. Resting at a restaurant nearby and looking at people that pour out of the movie theater once the film has ended, sounds like a twisted mind but fun. For those who love cooking, there is a supermarket two floors below the movie theater. They can spend time in the supermarket as well with its fresh food and produce. This provides them to tackle all of their daily chores while also having time on entertainment since everything is in one area as opposed to having to travel to different locations to get everything done.

In general, spending a good time at a Shopping Complex with a good and fresh air conditioner beats out long lines and heat normally found in a recreational park in the summer
jam92 4 / 7 2  
Aug 24, 2018   #2
Your intention in essay is clear. Overall, it looks like an average writing. However, I am trying to point out some issues that you might take care of:

1. I think it is unnecessary to use capital letters in the middle of the sentence if it is not that important. You used capital letter for Shopping Complex and Recreational Park several times.

2. "A preferred form of entertainment is watching movies." - It is completely your own opinion. So, words like "Personally, I think / believe" will be more appropriate in this case.

3. "which allows people to access to their meal ..." - You may rephrase the highlighted portion.

4. "There are lots of new movies..." - You may reorganize the whole sentence.

5. "... with its fresh food and produce." - What do you mean by "produce" here?

Thanks for your consideration.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 11,211 3650  
Aug 25, 2018   #3
Han, I think that your proficiency test score would be around a 3 for this essay. I have several reasons that support this opinion of mine. Most of the reasons have to do with your vocabulary usage, coherence, and task fulfillment problems. These are, as far as I am concerned, the 3 areas of proficiency that you need to build up with your next practice essays.

For starters, the essay clearly asks for a personal opinion. However, your reasoning goes for a general discussion of why the public might choose option B. If you read the instructions again, you will see that the question being asked is: "What option that you prefer. Why doyou prefer your choice?" with an instruction that indicates; Explain the reason for your choice." The second pronoun usage all refers to a personal insight with regards to the discussion.

Another mistake in your explanation is that you are speaking of the weather conditions that currently exist. The prompt you were provided did not take the weather into consideration. Merely a general discussion of choices. Therefore, by making a weather based choice, you are running counter to the prompt discussion question. All of these essays should be discussed based solely on the provided information without any additional information consideration coming from you.

The essays mistakes you made are avoidable now that you know what to look out for. Generally speaking, your discussion is good, but not the proper discussion for the prompt. Had the prompt asked for a general opinion and explanation then the least you would have scored with this essay would have been a 4.
OP HanNguyen0510 18 / 40 17  
Aug 25, 2018   #4
Thanks Holt. I know that that 3 problems have followed me for years but I don't really know how to improve it. I'm study English on my own and even I am living in an English speaking country but my English has not improved (writing). Anyway, thank you for your feedback. I will try harder.

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