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Circus Entertainment - IELTS writing task 2 correction


NKNam123 2 / 4  
Mar 20, 2018   #1
Topic: In your opinion, why is the circus still a popular form of entertainment in the modern electronic age?

Circus Entertainment and Modern Life



Entertainment is a basic part of life. Circuses is a type of entertainment which appeared for a long time ago and become absolutely famous today. Based on my experience and observation, I think there are various following reasons cause this situation.

At the first place, the circus always wins everyone's heart, children in particular. Obviously, all circuses are equipped a large number of color lights, outstanding shapes as well as loudly announcement. Especially, lovely animals and clown which attract children's attention, are essential there. When the young in a family want to come circuses, other members usually do together. Therefore, the circuses absolutely gain a primary position in entertainment demand of families.

At the second place, the circuses are unique places for trained animal performances. For instance, if someone would like to enjoy a monkey-riding performance, they have to come circuses because there is no place excepted circus present that. For that reason, circuses are not replaced by any other kind of entertainment.

At the third place, the entrance tickets of the circus are costly. It is suitable for all classes of people in society. Depending on the situation in the area the circus based on, the circus will prepare the number of performances that fit the people's living standard there and sell suitable classes of the ticket. Therefore, every citizen in the area are able to come and enjoy this mode of entertainment.

In conclusion, the circus always plays a primary role in individuals' life because of its usefulness. However, it is necessary to make some change to keep pace with modern society in the future.

Holt [Contributor] - / 8,564 2483  
Mar 21, 2018   #2
Nguyen, please remember that the keyword in the essay is "Circus" meaning only one, singular form. Circuses is the plural form. The plural form is not required in this instance because you are being asked to speak of only one circus reference in the essay. The comparison discussion you should have done in this essay to prove your point should have been based on the "electronics" argument of the original prompt. Anybody can see a circus or the circus acts online through YouTube. This makes your discussion regarding ticket prices and the ability to see peculiar acts incorrect. It would be cheaper to see a circus act on YT rather than spending to go to the circus to see the acts. Your discussion needs to have focused on the reasons why people would opt to go to the circus, as a form of entertainment, when they can get the same type of entertainment, with no extra charges, via YouTube. .While your discussion is acceptable to a certain degree, the grammar mistakes in relation to the C&C and GRA sections make the essay a bit difficult to read at times. That difficulty will result in a reduced score in the aforementioned scoring sections. Please improve your English vocabulary and sentence presentation skills in order to pull up your scores in those scoring sections.
OP NKNam123 2 / 4  
Mar 21, 2018   #3
Thank you so much!!! I will check and write it again :)


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