In many cities, planners tend to arrange shops, schools, offices, and homes in specific areas.....

and separate them from each other.

Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

My essay:
In these days, many planners have/show a tendency to sort shops, schools, offices, and homes in particular areas and separate them from others. In my point of view, the upsides outweigh the downsides.

On the one hand, there are some drawbacks of this statement. To begin with, this plan requires too much money and time to carry out. Nowadays, there are many developing countries and undeveloped countries so this is a big challenge to them. Moreover, it also makes people anxious all the time. For instance, if home and hospital are far away from each other, citizens may suffer from long commuting time.

On the other hand, this idea also has many benefits. First and foremost, it helps people work more productively. For example, students can study well and comfortably without distraction, noise so that they will get high marks in schools. Secondly, this idea reduces accidents thanks to specific areas. Staffs go on the streets that lead to offices, doctors have their own ways to the hospitals, etc.

In conclusion, while arranging shops, schools, offices, and homes in specific localities has some disadvantages, it also has many advantages.

It is unfortunate that this essay only has 188 words in the presentation. The severe under word requirement resulted in an immediate failing TA score for the essay. The 250 minimum word count was not met. The TA score preliminary deductions will simply not be overcome by the actual score of this essay. since TA compliance sets the grading trend for the essay, I am afraid the failing final score of this essay cannot be helped.

The discussion paragraphs need help. An effective A/D essay would be able to clearly explain its point of view through the proper debunking of a perceived advantage as a disadvantage. The basis of which would be believable examples and supporting opinions / details. Needless to say, the essay fails to properly and believably defend the opinion statement provided at the beginning of the presentation.

Just a minor reminder. The definition of 'commute' is to make the same journey 'regularly' between work and home. It might be a concern if you use 'commute between home and hospital' for all citizens, unless you are talking about the people who work in the hospital. Yet the reader can still understand you are saying that people in need will not be able to get to the hospital rapidly if it is remote from their home.

@DDHH1357 ok, thanks for your reply, excuse me, but can you correct my idea to make it become better ^^

@thaovy
It might be easier to list the points that you are going to say before writing the whole essay. Try to transform those ideas into topic sentences, and then come up with some examples. Make sure to check whether the examples precisely support the topic sentence. For example, one of the advantages is that the tourists can directly go to the shopping districts without bothering the local people. This example can support the notion that separation may improve the living quality of citizens.

Honestly, I am not a professional writer, and I am still learning how to write better essays, too. I am just sharing what I have currently. :))