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IELTS Essay: In cities and towns all over the world, the high volume of traffic is a problem

gbhanjana 1 / 2  
Jan 27, 2019   #1
In cities and towns all over the world, the high volume of traffic is a problem. What are the causes of this and what actions can be taken to solve this problem?

the increased traffic problem

In past one decade, vehicles have increased by many folds on roads across the globe and this is becoming a major issue, specifically, in metro cities. The prime reason is the migration of job-seekers to urban cities and the secondary one is poor public transportation facility, however, these can be resolved with certain steps by authorities.

To initiate with, the foremost reason for the increased traffic is the relocation of individuals to large cities in search of their employment. That is to say, first thing done by these immigrants is to arrange a convenient mode of transport for themselves when they move to a new place.A recent survey by Regional Transport office in Pune suggests that the number of cars have increased by 100 folds in last 5 years due to increase in migrated population. The second most prominent cause is the poor public transportation which forces inhabitants to buy a personal conveyance. Because of less frequency and unhygienic conditions, daily travelers hesitate to commute via public buses and trains and end up purchasing a convenient mode for themselves. Hence, it can be seen that both these conditions are contributing to the rapid increase in traffic.

However, certain steps in the direction to resolve above mentioned issues can surely curtain the traffic congestion on roads. Firstly, small cities and rural areas need to be industrially developed so as to maintain the concentration of population across the cities which as a result can control the migration to main towns. Secondly, government should invest some funds to improvise the public transportation in order to make it comfortable for the users. With the introduction of Metro train in Delhi, 20% of the vehicles have reduced on road as the commuters find this mode of transport swift and economical. These steps towards development can definitely curb traffic on roads.

To recapitulate, traffic is persistently rising in metro cities all over the world due to increase in relocation from countryside and vulnerable public transport in big cities. To guard this situation, government should take steps to establish industries in small cities and should also, plan to improve public transport.

Osha 2 / 6 1  
Jan 27, 2019   #2
Note: I'm not an expert or a native speaker

past one decade >> I feel it's better to say in the last few decades ( although you should only paraphrase the prompt)

this is becoming a major >>> has become

poor public transportation facility>> either use the plural form ( facilities) or put an article for countable singular words

with certain steps by authorities>> taken by / implemented by authorities or you could say ( steps which should be implemented by authorities)

To initiate with, the foremost >>> remove to initiate with ( it's usage here is mechanical and gives no idea as long as you use " foremost")

large cities in search of their employment >> to search for

That is to say >> I feel that there is a grammatical error here but I can't specify.

The first thing done by these

in the last 5 years >> (regarding the example here, I'd prefer not to use any fake statistics, it's a language test so try to show your language ability instead. Say ,for example, a significant upsurge in their numbers.)

resolve the above mentioned issues

the cities, which , as a result , can control

Secondly, governments should invest>>> again either use the plural form or put an article for countable singular words.

To recapitulate,>> I'm not a native speaker myself but I read several native speakers' comments on this word : it's rarely used nowadays so it's better to use ( in conclusion , to conclude)

and should also, plan to >> I think there is no comma after "also"

** your essay structure is great, you just need to extend your ideas a little more and be careful with articles; this systematic error would reduce your grammar score.

Good luck!
OP gbhanjana 1 / 2  
Jan 28, 2019   #3
Thank you so much for your valuable feedback!
I will be careful about these points.
Holt [Contributor] - / 8,583 2488  
Jan 28, 2019   #4
Geetika, there is no such reference as "past one decade". The correct term is "past decade". A decade covers 10 years so you cannot say "in the past one ten years" as your phrase implies. That is improper grammar and vocabulary usage.

You are writing a response to a direct question essay. As such, you are expected to outline the topics for your discussion within the opening paraphrase. You got the paraphrase right for the topic section, but you should have indicated 2 reasons for the traffic problem and, rather than implying a solution discussion, you should have offered 2 solutions to the problem within your response sentence. This error will cause you to receive a lower TA score than you should have actually received for that section.

The direct response essay is the exception to the one topic per paragraph rule. In this instance, you can present 2 connected reasoning topics supported by one encompassing example. However, you are not to go beyond the 3-5 sentence rule per paragraph, which you did in this essay. You may also use up to 3 reasoning paragraphs in the body to better explain your opinion.

Try to avoid using word fillers such as "to initiate" and "That is to say". Those are only used to meet the word requirement, which is unnecessary in an academic essay because each sentence needs to represent a topic or reason immediately due to the limited sentence requirement.

Do not start a sentence with "because" since that is a connecting word used to connect discussion points in one sentence. Do not count out the discussion points either. Practice using transition phrases and sentences to increase your GRA score along with the C&C considerations. Avoid all word fillers so that you can produce an essay that allows you to maximize the LR potential in the scoring system. Use actual words related to the discussion instead of worthless fillers.

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