I need to write a 300-400 word essay about what my ideal career is. Viewpoint and purpose should be clearly established and sustained; order, logic, insightful as well. I have started on it but since I haven't written in a long time, I need help. Please let me know what changes I need to make to the content, paragraph, punctuations and capitalization. Thanks!!!
What Is Your Ideal Career?
There were many different professions in which I wanted to be in. When I was a child I wanted to be a doctor. As I grew a little older, I wanted to be in the Hospitality Industry, and then I considered being a therapist. It was only recently when I discovered what I really wanted to do; and that is to work for the government.
I have always questioned why things are the way they are. Why don't public schools offer after school programs for the children? Why are businesses moving out? Why is this city not growing? Where is the budget going? Instead of just wondering, I have decided to obtain a degree in Public Administration to further understand how the system works and be a part of an organization that can make a difference.
My ideal career would be as a City Manager for a small town. There are many duties and responsibilities involved with being a City Manager that I find very attractive. First is the city budget. Preparing budget proposals, monitoring and executing the budget is very challenging; but once successful in implementing, the results would be fulfilling. Second is being in charge of personnel through the different department heads. Hiring the right people and taking disciplinary actions for unacceptable behavior will help improve the quality of service provided to the public. Making sure that the city government is well staffed makes a big difference in the day-to-day operations. Third is meeting with the citizens, council members, businesses and other government officials to address any concerns. It is a huge responsibility but at the same time very rewarding to be of service to all of them.
It will not be an easy journey to my ideal career but my persistence, sense of responsibility and ability to relate with people will help me achieve my goal.
Always look at the first sentence of the essay and ask yourself if it would be an interesting sentence if you looked at it all by itself:
There were many different professions in which I wanted to be in.
I think you could use an even better sentence to start the essay, something that makes the reader feel interested in what you are about to say.
When I was a child I ....how the system works and be a part of an organization that can make a difference. ---- I like all of this material, very impressive!!
My ideal career would be as a City Manager for a small town. --- interesting!
First is the city budget. Preparing budget proposals, monitoring the budget, and executing plans is very challenging, but once successfully implemented the results would be fulfilling.
Very good, you have some excellent sentences near the end.
Thank you very much.
I submitted it and received an excellent grade. However, the professor's comments got me a bit confused. He said the question was not what I wanted to be when I grow up. Now I'm thinking that had something to do with how I started the essay. On the other hand, he said it was well written. What is it? Was I not specific enough in illustrating what my ideal career would be?
Well, the beginning is nice because it lets us get to know you, but it could be revised to introduce the kind of career you have in mind -- an intro paragraph that gets the reader familiar with the career you are writing about.
But you should tell the prof that it is indeed about what you "want to be when you grow up," because the instructions ask about your ideal career!! So, maybe he should explain better...