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"your claim of being a bona fide student in New Zealand" - GAP YEARS EXPLAINATION


takanguyen 1 / 1  
Mar 10, 2011   #1
Hi, I'm new. Can anyone look into this essay? Cause I apply to visa and I have to explain my gap years
The question is : You graduated from high school in June 2005. You stated since graduation from high school you worked as a Receptionist until October 2010 and studied English. You do not have any formal full-time study since you graduated from high school. Now you state you wish to study in New Zealand. Based on your academic background, we are also not convinced that you have demonstrated you have strong academic ability and commitment to achieve. This leads us to doubt your claim of being a bona fide student in New Zealand. Please comment.

I am applying for visa permit to study in New Zealand because I want a career in hospitality industry. At the time I graduated, there was no training school for hospitality industry in Vietnam. Even now, except for a few study programs offered by private institutions, there is very little development of Hospitality industry as a separate and specialized academic and practical field of study. I am aware that study abroad in a specialized field is a difficult task to achieve and excel at; therefore I took time to prepare necessary skills. I found a job to be financially independent. I signed a 5 years contract so I can't have any formal full-time study. But I have no regrets because while I was working at Nghe An's Blind Association, I accumulated a lot of good experiences. In particular, a skill which I certainly cannot learn from school is how to lead the blind correctly. Actually, before anything else, I learned to dress in professional attire and to be patient and also friendly to everyone regardless of their appearance, status, attitudes because I'm likely the first person people interact with any time they call or visit. As a receptionist, I did routine tasks such as greet visitors, handle common situations such as answer the phone, make return phone calls, receive and transmit messages, get appointments ... Consequently, my communication skills improved very quickly. I also had a decent knowledge of the various applications in Microsoft Office in order to type correspondence, keep and update appointment logs... Besides, as the only one in the staff can use English, I had a chance participate in activities of many projects funded by foreign associations, especially, the Community - based Rehabilitation Project with the financial support from SRF (Swedish Association of the Visually - Impaired). As a result, I learned to communicate well in written language as well as foreign languages.

I think those skills will help me a lot but I will need all education experiences that accelerate and enhance my hospitality management knowledge, skills and attitudes, and fully prepare me for an exciting and successful career in hospitality management. And in today's ever-changing economy, the job market is more competitive than ever. It is not as easy to move into management as it once was, and it will most likely take more than a little hard work to land the position. Due to this, I wish to earn a diploma in Hotel Management. I intend to follow this up with a bachelor degree. I have discussed my choice of School with my family and have applied to Pacific International Hotel Management School (PIHMS) because of its professional hospitality environment, the industry placement programme, the number of successful PIHMS graduates and, especially, the suitable fee. After finishing the course, I will go back to Viet Nam to be near my family. I believe this course will offer me opportunities and practical experience to work in the area that I'm keen on. I wish for being success in my country.

alesha ricole 1 / 2  
Mar 10, 2011   #2
Hi! I read your essay and I'm pretty impressed with it. I have highlighted my suggested revisions in red. I hope it helps and good luck!!

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I am applying for a visa permit to study in New Zealand because I want a career in the hospitality industry. At the time I graduated, there was no training school for the hospitality industry in Vietnam. Even now, except for a few study programs offered by private institutions, there is very little development of theHospitalityhospitality industry as a separate and specialized academic and practical field of study. I am aware that study abroad in a specialized field is a difficult task to achieve and excel at; therefore I took time to prepare the necessary skills. I found a job to be financially independent. I signed a 5 years contract so I can'tcould not have any formal full-time study. But, I have no regrets.because whileWhile I was working at Nghe An's Blind Association, I accumulated a lot ofhad many good experiences. In particular, I acquired a skill which I certainly cannot learn from school:is how to lead the blind correctly. Actually, before anything else, I learned to dress in professional attireprofessionally and to be patient and also friendly to everyone regardless of their appearance, status, or attitudes because I'm likelyI am the first person people interact with any time they call or visit . As a receptionist, I did routine tasks such as greet visitors,and handle common situations such as answering the phone, make returning phone calls, receive and transmitreceiving and tranferring messages, getand writing down appointments....ConsequentlyBecause of these tasks , my communication skills improved very quickly . I also had a decentdeveloped proficient knowledge of the various applications in Microsoft Office in order to type correspondence,and keep and update appointment logs....Besides, asAs the only one in the staff can usestaff member proficient in English, I had a chance participate in activities of many projects funded by foreign associations, especially, the Community-based Rehabilitation Project with the financial support from SRF (Swedish Association of the Visually-Impaired). As a result, I learned to communicate well in written language as well as foreign languages.

I thinkbelieve those skills will help me a lot but I will need all education experiences that accelerateexpand and enhance my hospitality management knowledge, skills and attitudes , and fully prepare me for an exciting and successful career in hospitality management. And inIn today's ever-changing economy, the job market is more competitive than ever. It is not as easy to move into management as it once was, and it will most likely take more than a little hard work to land the position. Due to this, I wish to earn a diploma in Hotel Management. I intend to follow this up with a bachelor's degree. I have discussed my choice of School with my family and have applied to Pacific International Hotel Management School (PIHMS) because of its professional hospitality environment, the industry placement programme, the number of successful PIHMS graduates, and , especially, the suitable fee. After finishing the course, I will go back to Viet NamVietnam to be near my family. I believe this course will offer me opportunities and practical experience to work in the area that I'm keen on. I wish for being success in my country.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Mar 14, 2011   #3
This leads us to doubt your claim of being a bona fide student in New Zealand.

This is a poorly written sentence. It is unnecessarily vague.

Honestly, I would not give these people any of my time if I were you. This is not the way to give encouragement to a student. Go to school in a place where they will appreciate you!

If you want to use this essay to persuade someone, you should spend some time with the first sentence: I am applying for visa permit to study in New Zealand because I want a career in hospitality industry.

Forget the rest of the essay. How can you make this sentence as strong as possible? How can you make this sentence perfect? It needs to express more than just the name of your field of interest. It needs to introduce the CONCEPT that represents you.

Try to use some of these changes suggested by Alesha, and work with that first sentence. Pretend the first sentence is the only sentence the reader will see. What will you write to express your strong resolve to succeed in the tourist industry?
OP takanguyen 1 / 1  
Mar 14, 2011   #4
thank you for your help and your suggestion. I will try ^^


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