Some claims that planting the idea of competition in children's life is an obligation

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to cooperate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Some people believe that planting the idea of competition in children's life is an obligation. However, those think that the feeling of cooperation is more important rather than competition in order to encourage them to become great human being in the future. In my opinion, the spirit of cooperation could create a new generation who have the sense of togetherness and helping each other.

Firstly, the notion of competition for children is important because this could make children to become superior rather than his or her colleagues. For instance, in several elementary schools provide the ranking grade for students. For student who has good ability and getting highest score in examination will receive first grade of ranking due to his achievement. Besides, the other student will be in the second place compare with the first one. In fact, the second student will improve his ability in order to be the winner of the class. Althought, it affected to the individualistic for children.

However, I have stand on the other side that sense of cooperation is could encourage student to achieve bright future and being useful for the others. It is because this could perceive children to be aware and have responsibility to their environment. For example, when a school has curriculum for its students to be active in group charity activities, this means that school has successfully in creating the environment of togetherness and care each others. In addition, human is social creature who need the others helping and interaction with peoples as a basic needing.

In conclusion, I would say that the sense of cooperation should be encouraged rather than the sense of competition in order to produce the children who has sense of care each others to their colleagues. It only could be success if the environment which the children life provides the supporting place for the growth of children.

Just a few more thngs

However, those who think that the feeling of cooperation ...
... cooperation could create a new generation who have thewhich has a sense of togetherness and helping each other.

... because this could make children to become superior rather thanover his or her colleagues.

Fariz, the minute I read the first sentence of your essay, I saw a red flag that said "He did not understand the prompt!" and immediately, from the mindset of the examiner, I had decided to give you the lowest possible score for the essay. Keep in mind that you need to fully understand what the prompt is asking you to discuss and you cannot change the discussion topic just because you want to. The topic words in the prompt are the only keywords that must appear throughout your essay in reference to your response.

That said, the minute that you changed the prompt keyword from "competition" to "obligation", you totally changed the target discussion of the essay and showed a total disregard for the prompt requirement. While I will admit that the rest of your essay is in line with the prompt requirements, the opening sentence really affected your essay score in a big manner. The change of the keyword showed that you are not familiar enough with the English vocabulary to trust you to properly discuss a given topic.

Your succeeding paragraphs after the opening paragraph were prompt responsive. That is why I cannot understand how you could have made such a serious mistake in analyzing the prompt when you restated it. Please pay more attention to the way that you develop the thesis statement because that will create the first impression of your abilities with the examiner and also be the basis for your initial essay grade. A reconsideration may be given at the end, but the fact that you misstated the prompt is a grave error that might not be easily ignored in the final grading.