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Writing Feedback Posts: 3

Have classmates much bigger impact on a child's success at school? What about parents influence?


bichloan 1 / -  
Mar 7, 2019   #1

school success of a child thanks to whom?



First of all, classmates can help us deal with our work at the school which hardly any parents can do. They can help us solve the maths or English, find out our mistakes in each exam, or something else. Parents have some generation gaps which made them can't catch up with our study. For example: if you have a big math problem that you can't solve, your parents can't help you because they forget or don't know how to deal with it, but your friends can do. They also can find out other ways to solve the problems more quickly and easily. We can learn so much from them.

Second, maybe sometimes parents have put us under pressure because of the mark at school. No matter how hard you try, your score seldom satisfies your parents easily. Classmates are known more about our school's mark. They know which exam is hard and which one is easy so they can sympathetic with us easier. And they encourage us to try hard for the next exam.

And the last, classmates are a motivation for us to try hard more and more to get good marks, they learn with us, point out our mistake to makes us better for the next time. They encourage us when we disappointed because of the bad mark. They help us a lot with our study in the school.

So, we sure that classmates have a big influent on the children's' success at school.
Poln4 1 / 2  
Mar 8, 2019   #2
I think you should cover the possible disadvantages of requesting classmates for help and trying to use it in your favor. The last sentence is not really convincing and with every paragraph is like you are losing air...

Try to give an introduction to the topic where you mention your 3 ideas. Then use 3 different bodies to describe those ideas in detail. Then, conclude mentioning the 3 previous ideas.
Holt - / 7,651 1998  
Mar 8, 2019   #3
Bich, the term is "influence" not influent. Also, is this an IELTS Task 2 essay? Or was this just written for an English writing exercise? You haven't provided me with enough instructional information to properly assess your work so I will have to go the general review route with you. For all intents and purposes, I will assume that you have to write this in UK English since you are from Vietnam.

You should use concise language when writing academically. Don't use word fillers such as "First of all". Always go the direct route and say "First". The phrase "maybe sometimes" portrays uncertainty in your presentation. Which is it? Maybe? Or Sometimes? Maybe means "perhaps" while "sometimes" means "certain instances". Which is it? Do you see how there is a lack of clarity in the sentence when you use uncertain phrase portrayals?

Just all other ESL writers, you tend to use contractions when writing academically. Please note that academic writing requires the use of formal English words, therefore contractions are unacceptable in written presentations. You also tend to use memorized phrases such as "more and more" rather than using more complex vocabulary that helps to improve your writing skills such as the word "increasingly" which means the same thing as "more and more" but is seen as more advanced terminology in academic writing.



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