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[IELTS] Classmates' impacts on children's performance at school


SalMon 27 / 113 10  
Jun 17, 2014   #1
Experts :) Would you mind reviewing my essay :) thanks a lot :)

Topic: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Classmates are a more important influence than parents on a child's success in school. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.


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It goes without saying that no pupil can succeed at school unassisted. Their success should be attributed to many different external factors. It is argued that parents who are the closet to children mainly contribute to their accomplishments. However, in my opinion, the classmates should be regarded as the most important influence on individual achievements.

To begin with, the classmates themselves creat a competitive atmoshphere which incent the children. In high school, for instance, an individual cannot resist studying painstakingly through day and night when the others who are astoundingly ambitious and set sights on prestigious universities around the globe are doing the same. From a psychological perspective, the feeling of being subordinate to their peers exert enormous pressure on the children, which subsequently transforms into some sort of stimulants and boosts the children's academic performances.

To add up, when it comes to knowledge and the acquisition of such, classmates are second to none. It is a matter of fact that students share even more time together than with their parents, explaining a great deal of wisdom they absorb from each others; it can be, for example, lessons on the class, social skills or general etiquettes that are sometimes overlooked by parents. Sharing the same age, children are at their most comfort to exchange ideas, to query and interpret abstract concepts without fear of parental punishments, resulting in deeper comprehension.

All advantages considered, classmates are unrivalled by the children's parents as they provide tremendous incentive and horizon expansion, two crucial commodities leading to a successful presentation at school.
thanhphongct1 5 / 18 2  
Jun 17, 2014   #2
i think you like to use rare vocabulary, :D it doesn't matter but sometimes it perplexes the readers , it's good to show a wide range of vocabulary, but in my opinion, something is kinda short and easily understandable is better
fikri 5 / 317 71  
Jun 17, 2014   #3
don't these paragraphs show contrast?

I suggest you to put contrast signals in the beginning of the second paragraph above
OP SalMon 27 / 113 10  
Jun 17, 2014   #4
Thanks thanhphongct1 :) but what do you mean by rare? Can you point out some?

don't these paragraphs show contrast?

I suggest you to put contrast signals in the beginning of the second paragraph above
ReplyQUOTE

I don't think so? Why do you think that? The two contributes to the prompt?
SHanafi 120 / 415 93  
Jun 17, 2014   #5
However, in my opinion, the classmates should be regarded as the most important influence on individual achievements.

kindly looking back to your prompt

Do you agree or disagree

it is better to you to state about your position as you agree or disagree . Adding this in introduction, actually, will be increased your mark in task responses.

Looking backward to the prompt in answer the bodies

Classmates are a more important influence than parents on a child's success in school

Probably, in the first paragraph you can make a comparison contrast that classmate are more important than parents in influencing student success in school and vice versa in the next paragraph.
OP SalMon 27 / 113 10  
Jun 17, 2014   #6
Oh I see! I totally forgot this one :) thanks :)

Probably, in the first paragraph you can make a comparison contrast that classmate are more important than parents in influencing student success in school and vice versa in the next paragraph.

can you clarify a little bit? I don't quite get it?

Sure thanks :) I will improve in the next essay :)
MiaCuthbert 7 / 25 2  
Jun 18, 2014   #7
Hi :) From my part, I just want to say that your essay is excellent! But one thing is that you use some over-academic words. This does not matter but the purpose of the essay is to be read by your examiner. To speak the truth, some native speakers can not always understand every word the students use in their essays. My native teacher always says that understandable essays are better than academic ones. I know when you read this, you may want to punch me in the face. Don't be mad, you're good and above is just my personal opinion. Dear!
SHanafi 120 / 415 93  
Jun 18, 2014   #8
can you clarify a little bit? I don't quite get it?

Yes, let me try

here your prompt =>

Classmates are a more important influence than parents on a child's success in school

The first body paragraph better that you said "Classmates are a more important influence than parents on a child's success in school "

Conversely, the second body paragraph you can said that parents are more influence than classmate on child success in school

This is just my point of view to breakdown the prompt in the bodies of the essay.As we know there is not strict standard in answering IELTS writing task. So, I cannot say that my comment is the truth one :D
OP SalMon 27 / 113 10  
Jun 18, 2014   #9
Oh no don't say that I welcome all comments :) Thanks for your lovely words :) I will try next time :)

This is just my point of view to breakdown the prompt in the bodies of the essay.As we know there is not strict standard in answering IELTS writing task. So, I cannot say that my comment is the truth one :D

you mean... discuss both sides of the view? But if you say

"Classmates are a more important influence than parents on a child's success in school"

then

parents are more influence than classmate on child success in school

aren't they contrary??? maybe the essay isn't coherent?
SHanafi 120 / 415 93  
Jun 23, 2014   #10
aren't they contrary??? maybe the essay isn't coherent?

Generally IELTS wants us to make an discursive essay. So, making contra explanation between the bodies is quite in line with IELTS requirement. Then in the conclusion you can state your position

Do you agree or disagree with the statement

. Perhaps with your first body or the second one.

By the way, Salmon. I just wanna share what I know about IELTS writing with my language limitation :D. I hope this quite understandable and can help you.
OP SalMon 27 / 113 10  
Jun 23, 2014   #11
By the way, Salmon. I just wanna share what I know about IELTS writing with my language limitation :D. I hope this quite understandable and can help you.

Sure I know what you meant :) thanks a lottt :D


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