This essay is weaker than the other that you posted. I have to work hard to understand what you are saying. I understand your overall thesis -- that a clean learning environment is helpful, but that other factors such as sense of self are more important -- but the structure of your sentences is such that individual sentences are sometimes confusing.
I'd like to see you go back through this essay and, for each individual sentence, ask yourself: What am I trying to say? Then, express the thought as simply as possible, perhaps using two sentences. I think that the problem sometimes is that you are saying two things in one sentence.
For example, you write:
In fact, good learn condition is not enough due to many factors effect.
Here, I think you are meaning to say two things:
In fact, good learning conditions are not enough. Many other factors also affect the educational experience.
Be careful, too, that you don't get off topic. The prompt doesn't assert that an attractive and clean learning environment is the only factor necessary for students to study well, so you don't really need to argue that other factors are important. Rather, you need to decide whether or not the appearance of the learning environment is a key factor in helping students to learn effectively. For this sort of essay, it would probably be easier for you to list ways in which a clean learning environment makes it easier for students to do well in school, then either say that universities should therefore make an effort to provide such an environment, or that the students should be responsible for maintaining such an environment themselves, depending upon whether you agree or disagree with the second part of the prompt.