Hello, I am currently preparing to take the CLEP English Comp with essay exam. Please evaluate the following essay; generally, I feel better about my grammar than I do about the structure of my arguments.
I don't have a clear sense of what the standards are for scoring essays and would greatly appreciate some feedback regarding how well this essay would score, as well as any suggestions for improvement. Thank you in advance.
Prompt: Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.
What a friendship means to you?
Assignment: Is it easier now than ever before to form friendships? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your reasoning with examples taken from your reading, studies, experiences or observations.
Contrary to the claim in Sharon Hendricks's "A Broader Definition of Friendship," the Internet has not made friendships easier to form, but has rather made it more obvious that friendships require personal investment in a deep relationship. Modern social media has made it possible to form superficial connections, but true friendships form by personal interaction, shared experiences, and mutual willingness to sacrifice.
On a ten-day family trip, my siblings and I became good friends with one of our cousins. He visited us at our rental house nearly every day, and we played many games of ping-pong with him on the ping-pong table in the garage. I have always felt that there was something about standing there sweating, competing, and having fun that brought us together and made that neccesarily brief relationship something that I will not forget for many years. All of us loved each other and appreciated each other's company.
Furthermore, those who attempt to satisfy their social needs with anything other than deep human companionship begin to degenerate emotionally. In George Eliot's Silas Marner, the protagonist, a social outcast, turns to money for friendship. It is not until he discovers and shelters a small child that he begins to find love, joy, and happiness. Similarly, social media causes people to settle for something less than true friendship, and they are unable to enjoy the benefits of relationships until they find a true and personal friend.
It has also been overwhelmingly demonstrated that visual clues like body language enhance conversation. Speaking on the telephone is, for me, much more difficult than speaking face to face because all thoughts must be communicated verbally. Written communication is even more difficult because it requires that both body language and voice inflection be imagined by the reciever. Such media for expression of ideas are illustrated in the contrast between reading a transcript of a speech, listening to it on the radio, or watching it on television.
Although social media has its share of benefits, friendships are no easier to form than they have been in the past centuries. Deep relationships still require verbal conversation and visual interaction. People should not settle for Internet-based "relationships," but should rather seek to find friends and share with them a part of their lives.
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4780 M. out of a score of 6, I would be most inclined to give this essay a 4 due to some faulty examples in the essay. One of the major faults is the justification using Silas Marner as an example of a person who turns to money for friendship. The story is unrelated to the prompt since the idea is that social media makes it easier to form friendships these days. The basis of that story is not rooted in modern times and therefore, cannot relate in concept to the prompt expectations. Then, there is the story of the summer you spent with your cousin. The narration falls short of explaining that a lifelong friendship was formed that summer. A presentation of the methods by which you and your cousin keep in touch and can prove that a friendship exists today, even without social media's influence would have been the best example for this essay. Aside from these faults, your essay pretty much hit the marks set for your discussion. Not a bad job if I do say so.
