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IELTS Writing Task 2 - The closure of small local shops

Lallity 1 / -  
Oct 23, 2019   #1

the coexistence of big malls and the small shops

Topic: In recent years, many small local shops have closed because customers travel to large shopping centers or malls to do their shopping. Is this a negative or positive development?

In modern times, there has been a major shift in where to do the shopping, from local and medium-sized stores to mega malls and fancy shopping centers. In my opinion, this trend poses a host of issues as it can take away the ease of shopping near your house and even the jobs of many.

People may have less access to nearby stores as they slowly disappear, causing them a lot of inconveniences. Commuting to shopping malls is mostly time-consuming as they are located in the suburb of the city. In contrast, small shops, which do not take up much space, are opened at every corner of a residential area, providing a sufficient range of products for various demands, instant or daily. Moreover, this might worsen big cities' dilemmas of air pollution and congestion as it requires more traveling by vehicles.

Furthermore, housewives and retired seniors who benefit from selling groceries can find themselves short of the opportunity to earn more income. In developing countries, it is a common scene for the unemployed to establish a business out of selling daily groceries at their house. This helps to support their family financially and also cut down on a significant number of unemployment benefits from the governmental budget. Consequently, losing this flow of money makes them become the dependents in a household, shifting the burden onto other family members and society as a whole.

In conclusion, however many choices a mall can offer at once, I think it is not worth the closure of many local shops, as they are better at satisfying instant needs and generating more job opportunities

Please give comment on my essay. I try to write within exam time duration so it's might not be good in terms of idea.
Maria - / 1,098 389  
Oct 24, 2019   #2
Welcome to the forum! I hope that this feedback becomes beneficial for your writing. Hopefully, this will enhance your chances of getting higher scores in the upcoming IELTS that you have!

First and foremost, I really appreciate the simplicity of your first paragraph. Because you were able to make the thesis statement and other details brief, you had quite a convincing pattern of writing. Keep this up!

For the most part, I think that you can work a bit more on logical transitioning. For instance, the jump from the main thought of the second paragraph to the third appears to be rather baffling to say the least. Try to slowly dive into the main thought prior to writing everything out as you have right now.

The conclusion can still be maximized if you focus more on the summary of the entirety of the messages. Try to also add a simple sentence stating why your perspective is a reputable one. Convincing the readers that the body paragraphs have contributed to your decision will certainly help.

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