Please revise my essay. I really need feedback to improve my writing skill
I think my essay is not logically written, but i am gonna take the exam next month
so please help me!
Thank you ..and have a lovely day!
the question is
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People behave differently when they wear different clothes. Do you agree that different clothes influence the way people behave? Use specific examples to support your answer.
There is an old saying in china that horses rely on their saddles while people rely on their clothes. However, as in my concerned, clothes are definitely not a thing can control our behaviors. We behave as who we are, but not as what we are wearing.
We have choice in our clothes, and we can wear what we like. We should be our own master instead just following the fashion and losing our own style. Remember only the thing that is our owns is the best. We may choose a hat instead of a sun glasses, we may prefer short skirts to long pants. There are so many different people and the same with the clothes. It was we who chose to wear different clothes today because we had a bad day, on the contrary, it can't be true.
Off cause sometimes we chose different clothes according to different occasional. The environment made us to behave like a gentleman or a lady in a formal party. So according to the rules, we need to chose a formal suit or a formal dress. The situation is we who are in the formal clothes are gentleman or lady, not only when these clothes on.
If a person needs the clothes to sigh his personality, I can only say it's too pathetic. As an independent human being, our minds which decide our behavior should be independent too. If we can only chase the colorful models in the fashion shows, then where are ourselves? If just beautiful clothes can make you feel like a princess, then the plastic surgery should disappear, while the truth is it's been more and more flourishing these days.
Clothing makes this world warm and colorful, but people in the end need more self-awareness than behaving in our own clothes. Ironically, nowadays fashion and entertainment become our oral topics every day, how long have it been for us to stop and see who we are and what kind of people we want to be?
Hi, here is some feedback:
There is an old saying in C hina that" horses rely on their saddles while people rely on their clothes" . However, as far as I amin my concerned, clothes are definitely not a thingsthat can control our behaviors. We behave as who we are, but not as what we are wearing.
We have the right to choosechoice in our clothes, and we can wear what we like. We should be our own master instead of just following the fashion and losing our own style. Remember only the thing that is our owns is the best. We may choose a hat instead of a pair of sun glasses, we may prefer short skirts to long pants. There are so many different people and the same with the clothes. It was we who chose to wear different clothes today because we had a bad day, on the contrary, it can't be true.
Of course sometimes we chose different clothes according to different occasional. The environment made us to behave like a gentleman or a lady in a formal party. So according to the rules, we need to chose a formal suit or a formal dress. The situation is we who are in the formal clothes are gentleman or lady, not only when these clothes on.
If a person needs the clothes to sigh his personality, I can only say it's too pathetic. As an independent human being, our minds which decide our behavior should be independent too. If we can only chase the colorful models in the fashion shows, then where are ourselves? If just beautiful clothes can make you feel like a princess, then the plastic (cosmetic?) surgery should disappear, while the truth is it's been more and more flourishing these days.
Clothing makes this world warm and colorful, but people in the end need more self-awareness than behaving in our own clothes. Ironically, nowadays fashion and entertainment become our oral topics every day, how long have it been for us to stop and see who we are and what kind of people we want to be?
I went through the 2 first paragraphs to try and help with your word order and connotation. I changed a lot but kept your core meaning. I hope this is helpful
However, as in myAs far as I am concerned , clothes are definitely not a thing an article that can control our behaviors. We behave as who we are, but not as what we are wearing.
Off cause s Sometimes we chose different clothing according to different occasionalthe appropriate occasion.TheenvironmentCivilizationand societymade usexpect us to behave like a gentleman or a lady in a formal party"ladies and gentlemen" in formal situations,andit is our nature to conform to the norms of society.So according to the rules, we need to chose a formal suit or a formal dress.The situation is we who are in the formal clothes are gentleman or lady,However, it is our manners that dictate who we are in these social situations, not our clothes.only when these clothes on.
thank you, tramhuong.
the plastic (cosmetic?) surgery
"cosmetic surgery" is right, that's what I am gonna say, I think I chosed a wrong word in the dictionary before.
SHABAILand thank you very much, sharla.
My essay must be very aweful.. so many expressions were wrong.. ㅠ
By the way, sharla, could you give me some opinion about the logic of this essay? I mean is it relevant to the theme, the question?
Well it is a good disagreement to the essay question and therefor a good opposing argument . I personally believe that cloths definitely influence the way people behave. Different outfits allow us to take on different persona and explore the corners of our egos. I think your thought process it right on key.
If person feels the need tothe clothes to sigh his personalityportray their personality with fashion, I can only say it's too pathetic they probably lack self-identity and confidence.
You don't need to specify a sex in an essay like this as these are common behaviors for both sexes, and you don't want to sound negative using words like pathetic
As an independent human beingEvery human being is a unique individual , our minds which decide our behavior should be independent toand therefor we should express ourselves in a likewise fashion.If we can only chase the colorful models in the fashion shows, then where are ourselves?There are those of use who pine to mimic models on the catwalk and in magazines, but why would you want to spend time looking like someone else? If just only beautifulfashionable clothes can make you feel like a princessimportant , then excessive procedures like plastic surgery should disappear, while the truth is it's been more and more flourishingbut this not the case these days.
Clothing makes this world warm and colorful, but people in the end need more self-awareness confidence ratherthan behaving posing in our own clothes. Ironically, nowadays fashion and entertainment become our oral topics every day conversation . H ow long have it beenwill it take for ussociety to stop and see who we are and what kind of people we want to be?
The sentences I rewrote in my own words are just examples for you should think about conveying your message. Try to rewrite what you want to say different ways until they start to fit together. And most importantly USE YOUR OWN WORDS! You can paraphrase your own essay, that is all I did
SHABAIL
thank you, Sharla , you really give me a good advice, I'll try that. Sometimes I just can't express my thinking in english, really frustrating. Is that because I have not enough vacabulary? or do I need more reading, and what kind of reading should I do?
and again, I really appreciate your patience.
