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College Essay on Dads Heart Attack

Amzad123 1 / 2  
Oct 11, 2012   #1
please help me improve the flow/wording and help me show but not tell

Father's Heart Attack

When my father's heart stopped, I did nothing. A courageous person would have taken action, but not me. I remained motionless while he was seconds away from dying. I was nine. As a child, I always tried to imagine myself as a hero, one who would gain praise and respect from everyone because of his brave acts. However in this situation I was far from a hero. I wanted to run away from that moment. I just wanted to disappear. Hundreds of thoughts raced to mind, but one particularly stood out. I thought "Is this really happening right now?" I couldn't help but feel weak and selfish.

I remember him hitting the wooden floor while gasping for air, the aspirin that lay within arm's reach and the cordless phone that was nearly a foot away. What I mostly remember is how I was unable to move as if there was an invisible wall holding me back. I was frustrated with myself for my lack of action on that day. My frustration caused my life to completely change.

"You're going to die from eating that," I told him. After the incident I found myself researching nutrition. I spent hours a day watching nutrition conventions online trying to find out everything I could about preventing disease and understanding how diet affected disease. I researched everything about heart attacks, and what I had to do if I saw someone having one. It was as if I was trying to compensate for my lack of action on that day. Little did I realize that my sudden interest in nutrition and health would lead me to choose my major, Pre-Med. However, I didn't expect this incident to limit my options for college.

"Are you applying out of state?" he asked. "No I can't", I replied. "Why not?" he asked. "Family comes first", I answered. I came to the conclusion, that if I went to a college that was not in New York, I would not be able to act if something were to happen to my father again. My frustration which was caused by the lack action that day, helped me realize what I truly valued, which was family. I knew that if an incident like that were to happen again, I would be better prepared.
edenh18 1 / 8  
Oct 27, 2012   #2
I only saw a few punctuation errors with commas and stuff, so I added those in. I thought it was very well written in a way where you evolved from a traumatic situation and how it unknowingly affected you. I do think that at the end you sound resentful of having to stay with your family, so if you could word that in a better way where your family is seen as less of a limit and more of a priority, then I think that would be great. Check out my essay for Common App please!

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