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College freshman after 15 year break - first essay for this class


melmcghee07 3 / -  
Jun 6, 2007   #1
Ok guys thought maybe if I posted here you'd be give me more feedback. I'm just jumping back into college after a VERY long break and just wanted to see if you think I'm doing ok - or really horrible.

We were supposed to write a 5-10 paragraph expressive-descriptive essay on pretty much any subject.
Any feedback would be SOOO appreciated!! Look forward to hearing from some of you and using this great site - I'm sure I'll be here a lot since I'm only taking classes very part time while I take care of my kids as well.

Thanks again guys,
Melinda

Camping Madness



Let me begin by asking you if can you give me a perfect example of hell? My example of hell would have to be called the "family camping trip"! Camping in itself can be wonderful, what you should remember, however, is to leave all the children and pets at home or better yet send them to camp and you can stay home. If I had decided to either of these things, this particular camping trip would have gone better than the story I am about to tell you about.

There were a few problems with our first camping expedition. Some of them were minor but most of them were major. The first problem was that you couldn't put much else besides the four people and one dog into our 1993 Ford Escort wagon. You can however, manage to strap the other few odds and ends (like the tents, pillows, sleeping bags etc.) with the help of a crowbar, some Vaseline and a lot of rope if you're lucky, onto the roof of that Escort. Of course the most important thing would be a large bottle of aspirin wedged securely between your legs. Luckily, we decided not to bring the cat or I would have had to stick him on top of my head.

Our arrival at the campground in Myrtle Beach coincided perfectly with the arrival of my 16-year-old sister in law's P.M.S. I knew I was in for quite the camping experience when we began to try to put up our tent. That's when my husband, Jon, made the mistake of asking Sarah for help putting up the tent (something along the lines of "Would you mind to give me a hand over here?") and her replying that he was "brain dead". Maybe I'm just being too sensitive here but I believe calling your brother brain dead at the start of a camping trip is not the best way to start a holiday.

We managed to get the tent up in the dark - did I mention we didn't pull into the campground until close to 10 o'clock pm? I will not go into the finite details here of the struggles we went through just to get a campfire going on our first and ultimately only evening of family camping togetherness, instead I will leave it up to you to fill in the blanks.

The first night in our tent was not a pleasant experience at all. From the moment we laid down I knew that I would not get any sleep this night. Finally after a hectic day, I managed to relax and was ready for a good night of sleep. Wanting the experience of true campers, we had decided we would not bring anything remotely comfortable to lie on. And while our sleeping bags were at least a good quarter inch thick. After a few hours I almost didn't mind the roots of the tree digging into my back...

Within a few minutes of closing my eyes I was ready to drift off into dreamland and keep my date with Keanu Reeves and our private yacht. Then I heard a sound. Not actually a sound but a noise. My son, Jonathon, had just dozed off and he was snoring very loudly. I shook him gently but he kept on snoring. I shook him gently again and he kept on snoring. I tried rolling him onto his side and he rolled right back over. It was at this point I realized it wasn't just him snoring. It was also my sister in law, my husband and the dog snoring. I wished it was me snoring as I hadn't fallen asleep yet...

As I lay there awake hour after hour, I started asking God to forgive me for all of my sins and that I would never dream about Keanu again! My prayers went unanswered

once again. Finally, in the middle of the night, I fell asleep, only to be woken up by my young son. He had really gotten comfortable and had one of his feet in my face and was apparently having some sort of dream about running or kickboxing. It was then in the heat of that hot, muggy August night that I thought about the one piece of advice that my mother had given us before we left. She had told us to pack a fan! At the time it seemed too over the top even for me, a woman who "needed" her hair dryer and curling iron. At this very moment though I started thinking that my mother might be the most brilliant person on the planet as the smells of the day wafted up from my husband, my son and the dog all mingling into a wonderfully nauseating aroma.

Unfortunately for me the next day offered no respite from the turmoil of the previous day and we encountered calamity after calamity that ultimately led to me suggesting that we just pack it in and make the 8-hour drive back home to Charlotte. I got no arguments from anyone and so less than 24 hours after we had set out on our "adventure" we were giving up and heading home. It seemed like the perfect end to the worst camping trip ever.

I still look back on this particular vacation as a necessary evil of family life. It was one of those trips that we all talk about with fondness and laughter. I can't imagine not having experienced the angst, frustration not to mention the relative hilarity of the entire trip. It was well worth every ounce of energy I put into trying to make it all work out. It brings a smile to my face to know that even though we hated it at the time I think deep down we all knew that this is what a "family vacation" was going to be like. After all, we live in the age of media and we've all seen these scenarios played out a million times in dozens of family sitcoms, so we know that in the end everything works out and we all go home and have a good laugh.

EF_Team2 1 / 1,709  
Jun 7, 2007   #2
Greetings!

I have added a few more comments and included the ones I made previously:

If I had decided to do either of these things, this particular camping trip would have gone better than the story I am about to tell you. [delete "about"]

her replying that he was "brain dead". - American English always puts the period (or comma) inside the quotation mark: "brain dead."

I will not go into the finite details [did you mean "infinite"?] here of the struggles we went through just to get a campfire going on our first, [add comma] and ultimately only, [add comma] evening of family camping togetherness; [use semicolon] instead I will leave it up to you to fill in the blanks.

The first night in our tent was not a pleasant experience at all. From the moment we lay down I knew that I would not get any sleep this night. Finally after a hectic day, I managed to relax and was ready for a good night of sleep. Wanting the experience of true campers, we had decided we would not bring anything remotely comfortable to lie on. And because our sleeping bags were at least a good quarter inch thick, after a few hours I almost didn't mind the roots of the tree digging into my back... [I'm not sure if that's what you meant; the last two sentences did not make sense, as written.]

My prayers went unanswered [I'd delete "once again." It will be funnier.]

I can't imagine not having experienced the angst, frustration, [add comma] not to mention the relative hilarity of the entire trip. - I think it would sound better without "not to mention." You can just say "and."

I think your 15-year break did not hurt you one bit! Very good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com


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