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Combination of different methods. How to reduce crime - IELTS Writing task 2


ealeana 1 / 1  
Sep 2, 2017   #1
Some people think the best way to reduce crime is to give longer prison sentence. Others, however, think there are better alternative ways to reduce crime. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

best ways to prevent crime



It is commonly believed by some that increasing prison sentence is the best way to prevent crime while some people suppose except that, there are more appropriate ways to do the above aim. Personally, I think it should combine some ways together.

On the one hand, prion sentence is a convenient and easy punishment that help to protect human right to live but it also give some disadvantages. Firstly, to carry out a prison sentence, it is necessary to build prison system and pay salary for staff working in that system, and that would be a burden for citizens when they would have to pay taxes only to help prisoners have somewhere to carry out their sentences. Secondly, to some crimes, prison sentence would be useless to repair the damage, for instance economic crimes. This crimes lead to serious consequences, for example, companies are bankrupt and the staff are jobless, and prisoning the offender, in cases like that, would be no help for the jobless.

Whereas, there are several ways that could overcome the drawbacks of prison sentence such as pecuniary penalty and death sentence. Pecuniary penalty helps to increase yearly budget and the government would use that to enhance quanlity of life and as a result, the rate of crime would reduce, particularly economic crimes, but abusing pecuniary penalty would wide wealth gap. In terms of death sentence, it is argued that it should be abolished because of human rights but death sentence still brings about many positive effects. This can be seen that the danger to society would be completely disappeared and preys and their families would be consoled.

In conclusion, there are no best way to prevent crime, each method has its benefits and drawbacks, so it should combine some ways together to overcome their disadvantages.

tikhoti - / 2 1  
Sep 3, 2017   #2
Hallo,

my name is khoti. I will give you feedback:

1. It is commonly believed by some that (...) while some people suppose except that, (repetition, better you find other words)

2. there are more appropriate ways to do the above aim. (what is the aim? it is more like a statement)

3. prion sentence is a convenient and easy punishment that..... (it should be parallel)

4. it also give some disadvantages. (it should be added 's'= simple present tense)

5.the staff are jobless. (you should consider when using an article, and be careful for singular and plural form)

6. ....and prisoning the offender, in cases like that, would be no help for the jobless.... (why do you use past tense?, but the last sentence is not past tense)

7. there are no best way to prevent crime. (you should deal with the rule of S+V agreement)
OP ealeana 1 / 1  
Sep 3, 2017   #3
@tikhoti
Thanks for your help!
Holt - / 7,527 2001  
Sep 3, 2017   #4
Houng, your opening statement is short of the required number of sentences and also begins the essay discussion at the end of the paragraph when only a discussion description was required. The paragraph would have been improved if you had used complete sentences rather than run-on sentences to present the discussion. The more acceptable format for the opening statement would have been:

These days, a discussion has been ongoing regarding the best way to reduce crime. Some believe that crime can be lessened if longer prison sentences are applied to criminal punishments. While others believe that alternatives to a long prison sentence could also reduce crime. In this essay, both points of views will be discussed along with a statement representing my personal opinion regarding the topic for discussion.

As you can see, the original prompt asked you to discuss both points of view and then your personal opinion. Yet the way you have the essay formatted, each paragraph represents only your personal opinion because it does not clarify that the statement is based on a publicly known opinion. A more proper presentation for each point of view should have started with any of the following:

According to those who support the idea of a longer prison sentence...
There are people who believe that a longer prison sentence...
Those who believe in a longer prison sentence say that...


Those who oppose the longer prison sentence say that...
Those who advocate for alternatives to a longer prison sentence...
Some people would like to consider alternatives to a longer prison sentence such as...


By using any of the alternative opening sentences for your discussion paragraphs, you will be in a better position to clearly represent each point of view in the discussion before finally presenting your own opinion prior to the concluding paragraph. Do your best to focus only one the development of one reason or one evidence of the effectiveness of a longer or alternative to a prison sentence in order to create a stronger paragraph statement that will best display your English thinking and writing skills. Based on the instructions I have indicated above, you should already have realized that your closing paragraph is in error and should be improved upon in your succeeding practice tests.
tran14 12 / 26 7  
Sep 3, 2017   #5
1) You misunderstood between 'longer prison sentence' and 'increase prison sentence', mate. The former means a longer period of time a person spend in jail, while the latter indicates the growth of situations in which criminals are put into jail. Be more careful when paraphrasing.

2) 'reduce' and 'prevent' are not synonyms.
3) It is more natural to say 'reach the aim' rather than 'do the aim'. You need to gain more knowledge in collocation.
4) Your expressing way is cumbersome, unnecessarily complicated, sometimes, your sentences do not make sense. Remember to check your work afterwards as if you were a reader, not a writer. If you cannot understand what the essay is about, you have to do it again.

5) Pay more attention to spelling. It is a basic mistake to spell words wrong, but it will lower your score considerably.
6) Too long sentences will make it harder for people to track your work.
In general, I think you have ideas, though they are not so appropriate and convincing. However, you need to fix the way you organise the opinions. I guess that you have just started writing ielts essays, so it is a must to build a strong foundation of vocabulary and structures. Practice can wait until you have all the materials need to create an acceptable paper.


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