IELTS - TASK 1 - THE COMBINING CHART OF PERSON ARRESTED IN FIVE YEARS AND THE MOST REASON

Hello, im mei. Here is my very first post in this site.
Here is the writing that I've written to address the details of the figures. Would you please let me know your comments? Your strong feedback will be very helpful for revising my essay. Thank you in advice.

Question:
The pie chart shows the percentage of person arrested in the five years ending 1994 and the bar chart shows the most recent reasons for arrest

The pie chart compares the percentages of the criminal joined in prison for five years until 1994. In terms of the gender, and the bar chart provides information about the cause why they arrested. Over all, it is evident from the data that male prisoner predominate over over the female, and also public drinking was considerably higher than all other reasons of arrest both gender.

In detail, the total of men arrest was four times higher than women, 32% and 9% respectively. For both genders, more than a third of them got in prison because they drank in public. In this case, men lead the number with around 5-6% differences from women. Drinking while driving was the secondary highest reason for male to jailed, over than a quarter of total, compared to approximately 14% for female.

Besides, all the other reasons considerably lower than 20%, such as bench of other, assault, theft, and other reasons. Moreover, give no answer was the least reason, lower than 10% for both ganders.

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  The combine chart
  

Hi mei! I wish you will be an active member by giving suggestions or comments regarding to one's writing in this forum. It's really exciting to know that you are an Indonesian as well.

I found that you have same problems to Patric, the following are my comments:

1. You can simplify the first two sentences through combining the important ideas of both sentences in one sentence. For example:
"The pie chart compares the percentages of the criminal joined in prison and the reasons why they arrested for five years until 1994".
2. "Over allOverall, it is evident from the data that male prisoner predominate over over ..." You can put this sentence as the conclusion of your essay. Remember: do not leave your essay without a concluding paragraph.

3. "Besides, all the other reasons, such as bench of other, assault, theft, and other reasons, are considerably lower than 20%, such as bench of other, assault, theft, and other reasons ."

Hope this helps.

Hi Nurul.
Welcome to Essay Forum, Nurul. you trust me that this medium will help you to improve your writing ability. You only need to participate actively in this website.

I have read your writing closely and found that you made some errors in the grammatical. I would try to give you a few suggestion to boost your writing skill. First, I will give corrections like these below:

The pie chart compares the percentages of the criminal joinedENTEREDinTO prison for five years until 1994FROM 1989 TO 1994 . In terms of the gender, and the bar chart provides ...

Over all OVERALL, it is evident from the data that male prisoner predominate over overMORE THAN the female, and also . IN ANY CASE , public drinking was considerably ...

In detail,A CLOSER LOOK AT THE CHART REVEALS THAT the total of THE men arrest was fourTHREE times higher than THE women...
ForTURNING TO both genders, more than a third ONE-THIRDS of them got in prison ...
... secondary highest reason for THE male to jailed, over than ...

BesidesON THE OTHER HAND , all the other reasons considerably ...
... the least reason, lower than 10% for both ganders.GENDERS

Note: Actually, this writing is a good job. However, you need the time and practice to improving your ability. You should read more your writing before you upload because I found some of the mis-spellings. After that, you should harness transition words appropriately. The paragraph is good on condition that the transition from one sentence to another is smooth. In addition, you have to remember that the good paragraph includes more than two sentences. I read that the first and last paragraph only have had 2 sentences.

I believe you have tremendous cahnce to elevate your score if you always practice more and more.
Enjoy your process. Happy writing. Good Luck