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No comfort and experience in life being alone is not good for teens, better keep with parents -TOEFL


Miumew 1 / 2  
Oct 9, 2014   #1
The independence or freedom is the important thing for teenagers because they can do everything that they want without parents' complaint. In the other hand, the complaint can make children learn how to spend their life. For me, I prefer young adult to live with their families because of three main reasons composed of elder's suggestion, safety and suitability.

Most of young adults lack of experience and knowledge to stay alone. They do not know that is it proper or not and is it right or wrong? Children can be compared as apprentices always suggested and helped by professor until they reach their accomplishment. So, teenage should stay with their parent who can control them to do the right things and give a suggestion when they are in depression.

Exactly, because adults have dealt with jeopardy situation more than teenage, more experience more safety is the truth. For example, when the robber steals money in house at night, the parents know that what they should do and they have more conscious than their children. So, staying with family is more safety than stay alone.

The last, staying alone is not the comfortable life. There is not anyone to take care of lonely teenagers. They have to do everything such as laundry, cooking, sweeping own rooms etc., by themselves. These, reinforce with the two reasons mentioned above, show that young adults are not ready for the independent life.

Because of these reasons, I prefer to stay with parent. But, staying with parent or alone is up to persons who have different culture and though because the two ways have their own unique good points.

thank you for giving me feedback and comments !

vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Oct 9, 2014   #2
Tanya, the title that you posted is not making much sense. You need to post the original essay topic in this thread so that we can get an idea of what it is that you are supposed to have discussed or should be discussing in the essay. It is difficult to judge the work that you did without it. In the meantime, I will try to piece together a review of your paper in a quick manner. I will reserve my major comments for until after you have posted the prompt.

Your discussion is based upon current and commonly known reasons as to why young people should stay with their parents. Would it be possible for you to develop some new and unique reasons to support your stance that living with parents is better than living alone? Something along the lines of our world not really preparing us to live alone because our parents have constantly doted on our every need will do the job.

Your grammar errors as quite numerous and should be corrected. The biggest error being that you somehow forgot that you can never start an English sentence with "Because". However, I am refraining from correcting your errors at the moment because I am suggesting revisions for your paper. In order to save you some energy, I will not have you revise the paper at this point. Once we get the content straightened out, after your tell us the original prompt, better advise is sure to come your way :-)
IHaile 6 / 21 8  
Oct 9, 2014   #3
The independence or freedom is the important thing for teenagers because they can do everything that they want without parents' complaint . In the other hand, the complaint can make children learn how to spend their life. For me, I prefer young adult to live with their families because of three main reasons composed of elder's suggestion, safety and suitability.

I would suggest replacing "thing" with "concept", or something similar. Maybe use "concern" instead of "complaint". The phrase is "on the other hand", not "in the other hand", Consider replacing "make" with something like "help". Rewrite the last sentence like "I believe that young adults should live with their families because they can learn from their elders, have a sense of security, and sustainability.

Most of young adults lack of experience and knowledge to stay alone. They do not know that is it proper or not and is it right or wrong? Children can be compared as apprentices; always suggested and helped by professor until they reach their accomplishment. So,teenage should stay with their parent who can control them to do the right things and give a suggestions when they are in depression.

Just change "of" to "the", and add the word "required" after "knowledge". What exactly are you trying to say with the second sentence? I can deduce your meaning, but you may want to clarify. I added a semicolon to your third sentence in order to separate the two phrases. Remove the "so" at the beginning, since it's unnecessary. Change "teenage" to "teenagers" or "adolescents". Add an "s" to "parent", and maybe replace "control" with something else, like "help" or "guide". Remove the words "to do the right things" and "a", and replace "in depression" with "depressed"

Exactly, because adults have dealt with jeopardy situation more than teenagers, more experience more safety is the truth. For example, when the robber steals money in house at night, the parents know that what they should do. and they have more conscious than their children. So, staying with family is more safety than stay alone.

Remove "exactly", because it's unnecessary. Replace "jeopardy" with "dangerous", and rewrite the last part so it's something like "they are less likely to panic". Use "if a" instead of "when the", and maybe suggest that the robber is breaking in at night? Remove "that" and end the sentence at the period. What are your trying to say with "they have more conscious than their children."? Replace "more safety" with "safer"

The last, staying alone is not the comfortable life. There is not anyone to take care of lonely teenagers. They have to do everything such as laundry, cooking, sweeping own rooms etc., by themselves.These, reinforce with the two reasons mentioned above, show that young adults are not ready for the independent life.

Replace "the last" with "finally" and "the" with "a". Use "no one" instead of "anyone". Replace "own" with "their", and remove "by themselves". Use "This argument" instead of "these".

Because of these reasons, I prefer to stay with parent. But, staying with parent or alone is up to persons who have different culture and though because the two ways have their own unique good points.

Restate the thesis, or your stance on the subject. You should also restate your arguments. I would remove the last sentence, because it's not very revelant to the essay. If there isn't a word limit, expand on your argument. Use examples and personal experience to enhance your persuasive essay.

I hope I helped!
OP Miumew 1 / 2  
Oct 10, 2014   #4
vangiespen, i'm sorry that i didn't post the original essay topic. thank you for reading and giving me suggestion.
Here is the original essay topic : Some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible. Other young adults prefer to live with their families for a longer time. Which of these situations do you think is better? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

thank you :)
OP Miumew 1 / 2  
Oct 10, 2014   #5
IHaile, thank you for your revise :) It helps me a lot. I will take all of your suggestions to improve my essay.


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