Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it.
An interesting place in our school was "the lab," a shadow community without a defined name or purpose. Every day, behind the closed door, students gathered in this computer lab to play videogames, vanquishing evils on the big screen monitors. In nature, "the lab" was a social gathering, a place no different than the lunchroom; however, this was a special place where jocks, techies, and skaters alike all crowded around to watch a YouTube video, a forum filled with discussions that let us shed the black-and-white image we exuded outside.
Throughout the year, the lab and its members had given me a sense of belonging, constantly being encouraging and supportive. Realizing the tremendous impact the lad had on me, I wondered about my role in this small community. In fact, did anyone had a role? After much contemplation, I realized that the lab did not exactly fit into the mold of a traditional community, thus its members still had their own distinctive roles, one not defined by any official titles or positions. In here, no one was the "charismatic team captain," but a person became a hero by simply bringing an extra controller. Throughout my school years, I have been in multiple leadership positions, but those positions were never deemed to be superior to "the girl who brought soda on Tuesday" or "the last required game player." Although I couldn't proclaimed to have made any significant impact or lifelong friends, I knew that my small role had helped contribute to the awesome experiences in the lab. It was these interactions that prompted the casual "What's up" when we passed each others in the hallway, even after the lab no longer existed. (281 words)
Trying to cut down some words and improved the flow. Any suggestion would be greatly appreciated.
Critique me, and I'll return the favor. Thanks for reading!
You talk about the lab in the intro which is good, then move on to a personal experience, and back to the lab. I think that you need to elaborate on your personal experience. You really don't describe "your place within it". Or you could omit the candidate experience and put in an experience you had IN the lab. That way you don't have to worry about transitioning back to it.
An interesting place in our school was "the lab,"
Correction: "the lab",
computer lab to play videogames
Correction: video games
watch a YouTube video, a forum filled with discussions that let us shed the black-and-white image we exuded outside.
Correction: Can you possibly reword this?
Realizing the tremendous impact the lad had on me
Correction: lab
I see what you are saying. That the lab isn't a typical community, which is understandable. But I think you should end on a stronger note:
"Although I couldn't proclaimed to have made any significant impact or lifelong friends, I knew that my small role had helped contribute to the awesome experiences in the lab.:
I don't think you should end in a such a negative way, instead say things like "the lab wasn't your typical community, but it has inserted within me the values of [insert here]...I have learned to be a more open person and it has DEFINATELY changed who I am, despite having such a subtle role in my life"
What do you think?
Perspective:
The content is really good, but needs to be presented in correct manner.
Flaws
1. Analyze the logical flow of essay and divide it in more paragraphs second paragraphs drags the interest of reader and confuses him.
2. No description of LAB--No. of computers, size etc.
3. LABs Impact on you--Change in thinking or change in attitude or personality or simply the mental relaxation.
4.LAB no longer existed? where did it disappear? Explain why lab ended.
5. The lab seems to be a fun but none funny experience is shared.
Also I believe that, there are few grammatical and tactical errors
"the lab" was a social gathering -- Social Gathering is an event and Lab is place.
the lad had on me--- I think it shud be--- the environment of lab had on me
one not defined by any official titles or positions----confusing---thus its members still had their own distinctive roles, undefined by any official titles or positions.
Realizing the tremendous impact --- Talk about the impact
::: All Comments are my personal point of views and suggestions::::::
Hope they help...
Good essay and well written, you answered the prompt very well.
I like this question. But there is a grammatical error.
In fact, did anyone have a role?
I apply to UMich too, please comment mine. thank you.
