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Community college student essay - asking for a little feedback

Tinyjn 1 / -  
Mar 14, 2007   #1
It has been awhile since I have needed to write a paper. Hopefully everyone might be able to refresh my memory.

Thank you!!

Being a community college student does not afford many options for housing. There are many apartments available, though most are above the average college student's price range. In the Chicago Northwest suburbs alone there are ten different apartment complexes with available apartments, all with everything an individual needs to be comfortable.

Today's college student wants to be living on their own, in an apartment or house that is theirs. The current price of housing makes that dream hard for students. Most apartments require the tenant to have a gross income, three times the monthly rent. Without help from parents or a roommate, a student would have to have an income of at least $2,500 a month. The kind of income needed would require a full time job in a technical trade or a major corporation.

If the student does have the monthly income required even then the complexes that are worth living in will require a credit check. The average college student does not have the credit score to meet the requirements without a co-signer. The apartments that don't look at a credit report for potential tenants are usually the ones that you wouldn't want to live in. The ceilings have holes or water damage, the floor boards move when you step on them, the appliances are dated using the most advanced carbon dating techniques, the hallways smell like a 12 year old boy's gym locker, and you have to park a quarter of a mile away to make sure your car is not broken into. There are "dream" apartments available for rent, but are pricey.

The "dream" apartments have a clubhouse with everything someone could want including a pool, fitness center, sauna, basketball courts, and even an office available for use by the tenants. Clean apartments, kind staff, and a full time maintenance crew are all included in the price of the apartment. When you are applying for an apartment at these complexes there are many fees associated to the paper work including, but not limited to, a processing fee, a move-in fee, a security deposit fee, a background check fee, and a credit check fee. These fees can come close to $800 or more. Most of the money is returned or can be transferred to the first months rent.

The costs of the "dream" apartments are everything but ideal for the average student. These usually start around $1,000 per month vs. $700 per month for the less desirable places. Larger complexes have monthly specials like "first month's rent free" or "$500 off your first months rent." Some places will allow you to take that money and spread it out over the year and take a little off each months rent. Even with the discounts, the cost of living is still high.

Student loans are available for school fees, vehicle loans, and even cheap housing near major four year colleges, but no programs for the community college student. Not all of the students that attend community college live with their parents. Some are returning students that were not ready to jump right into college after high school. A few are ex-military that were recently released from active duty. Even more are young adults trying to save money by attending a community college first then a four year school. Could there possibly be a federal subsidized housing program to help these students find an affordable apartment? Can America help its future tax payers live in nice affordable apartments?

EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Mar 15, 2007   #2

You have a good essay here, with lots of important information! Your opening sentence is good; it briefly states the problem you will be addressing. The second sentence is a good follow-up. The third sentence in the opening paragraph is out of place; it should be farther down in the body of the essay. You also need a strong thesis statement in the opening paragraph that takes a position which your paper will address. It could be something like "America needs to address the housing problem for community college students with a federally-subsidized program to help its future tax-payers live in decent, affordable apartments." You would then go on to explain why this program is needed by showing how limited the options are for community college students.

You end the essay with two questions. What you need in the closing paragraph is to summarize the main points of your essay and re-state your thesis with slightly different wording.

Here are a few more editing suggestions:

"Today's college student wants to be living on their own, in an apartment or house that is theirs." - It is still not considered standard English to use "they" to refer to one person [here, "student."]. To avoid having to say "his or her" change your subject to plural: "Todays' college students want to be living on their own..."

You inject some humor into your essay with the "carbon dating" and "gym locker" descriptions. Normally, I like to see a little humor in an essay, where appropriate. However, I found this a little jarring because it is in complete contrast to the rest of the essay. If you are going to adopt a humorous or sardonic tone, you need to establish it from the first so that it does not jump out at the reader later as a surprise. :-)

"There are "dream" apartments available for rent, but they are pricey."

"can be transferred to the first month's rent." "...$500 off your first month's rent"

I think you've done a great job!


Sarah, EssayForum.com

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