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A company want to build a big factory near your community. Do you agree or disagree? -TOEFL essay -

yousssa 1 / 3  
Nov 10, 2015   #1
It has been said "You are free to do anything, unless you hurt somebody". Doing anything is not a problem, but the problem hides in the consequences and the influences of that act. Right brothers always wished to fly from a mountain or a building. This wish was not such an issue. The issue that if they did so, they would die. Here in that situation, a factory in my community will be like putting the gas beside the fire. Building a large factory near my community will cause many terrible, horrible problems.

I live in an enormous city. It's very crowded. It has a population of over fifteen million people. It's also not organized well. Like all big cities, Buildings are everywhere without leaving much space for Green areas, trees or parks. The traffic is a nightmare. One day, my dad stuck four hours in a trip usually takes half an hour.

The advantages of building a -large- factory in a community like mine is considered tiny compared to the disadvantages. This factory will provide us with a fast, cheap source of goods if it produce goods we can use like groceries. It will also offer some jobs. It will benefit the country with the exports and sales.

On the other hand, it has many disadvantages. Firstly, this factory needs workers. These workers need to live near where they work. That will make it more crowded in the houses and traffic. From the environmental perspective, the factory will cause more pollution -especially when there is no much green areas-.

To recap, I oppose building this factory because it will hurt us -the people who live around- and this will not be fair.

TJLuschen - / 241 203  
Nov 10, 2015   #2
Hi, I think your English is quite good. You don't have that many errors in grammar or word usage. But I think your overall format is not very effective. Your introduction is creative, but that one sentence was confusing to me. You did end your intro with a thesis statement, which is good. The problem is with your body paragraphs. It works much better for this type of essay prompt to have three reasons supporting your thesis (or two if you can't come up with three or don't have enough time) The first sentence in your body paragraph should give this reason. Then explain the reason in a sentence or two, then give a very detailed and specific example showing the reason in action. Do this for each reason, one body paragraph per reason. Then end with a short conclusion. Yours is ok, but try to lengthen it a little, maybe by adding a call to action at the end.
OP yousssa 1 / 3  
Nov 11, 2015   #3
Thanks TJLuschen for your time and attention. I'm so happy that you give me these advises. It's great. I didn't imagine that someone will actually reply. I have little thing to add, in the real prompt it said "discuss the advantages and the disadvantages" I'm sorry.I just forget to add this. Will my body paragraph still need to be fixed? need your feedback :)
TJLuschen - / 241 203  
Nov 11, 2015   #4
Hi yousssa, I'm glad you responded, as you raised a very important question. In my first response I was giving the best format for the "do you agree or disagree" type prompt. But as you said, there is a different type of prompt, which says "compare and contrast" or "discuss the advantages and the disadvantages", or "talk about both viewpoints and give your opinion", or something similar.

I think this prompt type requires a different format. The intro is the same, except your thesis statement will say that there are advantages and disadvantages to both sides. Then in the first body paragraph your topic sentence will say there are many advantages, then give the advantages, with examples and explanation. The second body paragraph will have a topic sentence saying there are also some disadvantages, then give those with examples and explanation. Then I would suggest combining your opinion, summarizing the advantages (or disadvantages) that make you feel that way, and some concluding sentences in a single final paragraph. This is still not really the format you used above.
OP yousssa 1 / 3  
Nov 12, 2015   #5
TJLuschen you are awesome thanks for the effort. My test is tomorrow and you really helped me a lot. Thanks
TJLuschen - / 241 203  
Nov 12, 2015   #6
You are very welcome yousssa, it was my pleasure. Good luck on your test! My final advice is to get a good nights sleep, arrive at the test site early, and relax!

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