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compare between your childhood and right now.


bilal ABUZENAH 15 / 81  
Nov 8, 2009   #1
INTRODUCTION TO MY ESSAY ABOUT:
your childhood and right now.

Two days before the thanksgiving, my mother asked me to bring the roaster pan from the basement, I went there and took a small candle with me, cause there was no light in the basement, when I found the roaster pan, I saw an album on the top of it, in the beginning I ignored it, then I took the roaster pan up stairs to my mother, but I forgot the small candle, so I had to go back and bring it. When I picked it up I noticed the picture that was the cover of the album, it was for me when I was a child.

mmmargarita 10 / 79  
Nov 8, 2009   #2
There is a massive run on sentence...

Two days before thetT hanksgiving, my mother asked me to bring the roaster pan from the basement, I went there and took a small candle with me, be cause there was no light in the basement,wW hen I found the roaster pan, I saw an album on the top of it,;in the beginningat first I ignored it, thenand I took the roaster pan up stairs to my mother, but I forgot the small candle, so I had to go back and bring it. When I picked it up I noticed the picture that was on the cover of the album,: it was for me when I was a child.of me as a child.
OP bilal ABUZENAH 15 / 81  
Nov 8, 2009   #3
thank you for these comments I'll try to avoid them(run on) next time.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Nov 9, 2009   #4
mmmargarita is right! She suggested a semi-colon, but you can also use a period:

Two days before the thanksgiving, my mother asked me to bring the roaster pan from the basement. I went there and took a small candle with me, because there was no light in the basement. When I found the roaster pan, I saw an album on the top of it; in the beginning, I ignored it. I took the roaster pan up stairs to my mother, but I forgot the small candle, so I had to go back. and bring it.

That is just an alternate idea.
OP bilal ABUZENAH 15 / 81  
Nov 16, 2009   #5
prompt: write an essay about your childhood and right now.

pleas criticize the essay as much as you can....

Two days before Thanksgiving, my mother asked me to bring the roaster pan from the basement. I took a small candle with me because there was no light in the basement. When I found the roaster pan, I saw an album on the top of it; at first, I ignored it. I took the roaster pan up stairs to my mother, but I forgot the candle, so I had to go back. When I picked it up I noticed the picture that was on the cover of the album. It was of me as a child.

I sat on a dusty chair and looked at the pictures in the album. First picture I saw, it was for my classmates and me, in the third grads. At that time, I was short and fat, compared to the others in my class. All of my classmates used to make fun of me. I remembered one of them called me a barrel. I couldn’t stand it any more, so I hit him on his face and broke his tooth. After this incident, no one dared to make fun of me any more. I wish I had done this long ago. Right now, I’m one of the tallest students in my class, therefore, my teacher asked me to be a member of the school basketball team.

In the second page of the album, there were two pictures of me while I was playing alone in the park. At that time, I was selfish and stubborn. I didn’t like to share anything with anybody. I had never shared my toys with other children. I used to love being isolated. On the other hand, right now I’m interested in team work, and being with a lot of people make me feel good Sometimes I even don’t like to go out by myself, and I’m a very easy going person now.

I have liked to watch the news since I was a little child. At that time, I used to know everything that was going around us, so some of my friends used to call me “the encyclopedia”. This name is the only thing I still have from my childhood. For example, during the last election, our history teacher asked some questions about the election; while everybody was silent, a student stood up and said, ”Ask “the encyclopedia”, he must know about it hh..”.

I turned the album to the third page. My tears started rolling on my cheeks. I got shocked, after seeing that picture. I think we had this picture taken at the airport, before my father left to America. Since that day, I have not heard anything about him. My father was the most important one in my childhood, but he has disappeared from my life. He left me in the middle of the jungle. I didn’t know how to cope with these situations. I have to protect my brothers from the gangs out there in the streets, and to cover the life expenses; therefore, I started selling candies in the streets from very early in the morning till the mid of the night, for just a few bucks. I barely could buy a loaf of bread and a gallon of milk with those bucks.

In conclusion, I don’t see any big difference in my life except the one I just mentioned. God wants me to be the breadwinner in my family; this is my destiny and I have to accept it.
pcvrz34g 22 / 117  
Nov 16, 2009   #6
I couldn't stand it any more, so I hit him on his face and broke his tooth. After this incident, no one dared to make fun of me any more. I wish I had done this long ago.

I don't understand that. You did do it, so why do you wish you did it?

Your conclusion doesn't say much... What do you mean "the breadwinner". What is your "destiny"? Do not say "except the one I just mentioned." You never should expect the readers to refer back to the previous things.

I have liked to watch the news since I was a little child.

I liked watching the news since I was a little child.

My tears started rolling on my cheeks. I got shocked, after seeing that picture.

Tears started rolling off my cheeks.
I don't think "shocked" is the right diction here. Look for a better word.

My father was the most important one in my childhood, but he has disappeared from my life.

define "one." The most important person? The most important influence?

I have to protect my brothers from the gangs out there in the streets, and to cover the life expenses;

I had to...

The fourth paragraph ends a little abruptly... You should try to wrap the subject up somehow and make it relate to the conclusion paragraph.
OP bilal ABUZENAH 15 / 81  
Nov 16, 2009   #7
thanks a lot for these comments....
please tell me your opinion about it...
pcvrz34g 22 / 117  
Nov 16, 2009   #8
It doesn't really compare your childhood to now...
You just simply state your childhood.
Maybe you can address this in your conclusion because as of now, your conclusion is going nowhere.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Nov 18, 2009   #10
Bilal, please don't start a new thread for the same essay. Keep each essay in its own thread.

Is this supposed to be a compare contrast essay? I think it needs an introduction paragraph in which you explain the main theme, the main idea of the essay. Then, at the end, you say it again: I am now a breadwinner, taking responsibility. That is the main point, right? So express it at the beginning as wel.

For good composition, do this:

Say it,
Explain it
Say it again.

"It" is the main idea of the essay.

This essay, right now, is a narrative essay. It tells a story. If it is supposed to be an essay comparing then and now, you should give more reflection and less story. Know what I mean?
OP bilal ABUZENAH 15 / 81  
Nov 18, 2009   #11
is there any grammer mistakes ???

don't start a new thread for the same essay
sorry about that.

what i did is..

in the seconed paragraph, I mentioned to my physical appearance.
in the third paragraph, I talked about my behavior in my childhood and now.
the forth one about the similarity between both era in my life.
the fifth paragraph abut a special picture for my father and me.

Thanks

Kevin
pcvrz34g
mmmargarita
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Nov 21, 2009   #12
Hey, I just notices a typo "grads." You also use some commas unnecessarily, but that is no big deal. Notice where I took out commas below:

First picture I saw, it was for my classmates and me in the third grades . At that time, I was short and fat compared to the others in my class.

I found this spot, too, where you are missing an s and a period:

and being with a lot of people makes me feel good. Sometimes I even...

Being... makes.

Anyway, this is great. You already write better in English than many people who grew up speaking English. I know, because I went to college with them! :-)
OP bilal ABUZENAH 15 / 81  
Nov 21, 2009   #13
THANKS a lot KEVIN.

than many people who grew up speaking English. I know, because I went to college with them! :-) .

I notice that in my reading class, 90% of my classmate are native speakers and they speak fluently, but they are very weak when it comes to vocabulary and writing.
AnOthEr_bEIng 1 / 2  
Nov 21, 2009   #14
personally, I think there's too much "telling" in your essay. You should give more details about how something happened.

On the other hand , right now I'm interested in team work, and being with a lot of people make me feel good. Sometimes I even don't like to go out by myself, and I'm a very easy going person now.

"On the other hand" is out of place and unnecessary, replace it with something else (however, etc) or just start the sentence with "Right now..."

I have liked to watchlike/enjoy watching the news since I was a little child.

"Right now, I'mi am one of the tallest students in my class, therefore, my teacher asked meand was recruited by my teacher to be a member of the school basketball team."

The flow of that ^ sentence is choppy. You should never use contractions (I'm, he's, didn't) in essays

My father was the most important oneperson in my childhood, but he has disappeared from my life. He left me in the middle of the jungle. I didn't know how to cope with these situations. I have to protect my brothers from the gangs out there in the streets, and tohelp my mom cover the lifeliving expenses; therefore, I started selling candies in the streets from very early in the morning till the mid of the night, for just a few bucks. I barely could buy a loaf of bread and a gallon of milk with those bucks.

"and help my mom cover living expenses" I added that part because I'm assuming that your mom is there with you and your family and that she's working. If not then I'm sorry and change it to "and cover living expenses"
meisj0n 8 / 272 2  
Nov 22, 2009   #15
I personally dislike the tell, explain, tell more stuff. it's good for some essays, but why use that method for such a topic?

As for your structuring of the essay, try to incorporate more about your life 'right now.' you can use the Thanksgiving plot idea, I think it's interesting, but try to focus on maybe changes that have occurred. what about you has changed over the years? Matured? grown to look at things differently? learned to live in the "jungle"? [note: that was a metaphor? or really where you live?]
OP bilal ABUZENAH 15 / 81  
Nov 22, 2009   #16
learned to live in the "jungle"? [note: that was a metaphor? or really where you live?]

hahah. what do you think meisj0n?

I'm not Mowgli.am bilal.

any way thanks for the comments....


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