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Comparison between average yearly costs on cell phone and landline phone services from 2001 to 2010

tuantu1710 1 / 2  
Mar 6, 2017   #1
IELTS TASK 1: Line graph: Average annual expenditures on cell phone and residential phone services

This is my first time for doing writing task 1. Please check my mistake and could you tell me how many mark can I score ? Thank you so much

The graph illustrates comparision between average yearly costs on cell phone and residential phone services from 2001 to 2010. It can be seen from the graph, yearly expenditures on cell phone service steadily decreased during the period while annual costs of residential phone services increased gradually.

In 2001, yearly expenditure on cell phone service stood at approximately 700$ and remained a consistent decrease to around 500$ in 2006. By contrast, residential phone services were spent at over 200$ in 2000 before rising significantly to 550$ by 2006. In 2006, there was a remarkable point when the amount of money for both residential phone and cell phone services equalized.

During 4 years period from 2006 to 2010, there was a considerable opposition between costs of residential phone and cell phone services. In comparision to the amount of money spent for residential phone services, which saw an plummet to over 400$, expenditures on cell phone rose dramatically to a peak of around 750$ at the same time.

166 words

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 11,749 3795  
Mar 6, 2017   #2
Tu, it is with a very heavy heart that I have to tell you that the only possible score for this essay will be a 3 for a number of reasons. The main problem with the essay is that you misunderstood the graph that you were provided to summarize. The green line, represents the residential phone services whose costs plummeted from the hear 2000 to 2010. The cost of the service in 2000 was at under $700 and ended in 2010 at around $400. While the cellphone coverage increased in costing from $200 to over $700 by 2010. You got the information reversed in your essay and because of that, it appears that you did not understand the graph and therefore, did not accurately summarize it in your report. Aside from that, you also failed to identify the type of chart that you were given to analyze. This chart is known as a Line Graph and should have been identified as part of the summary information in your writing. In addition, you also did not identify the source of the information even though it was clearly stated in the illustration you were provided. So those reasons alone tanked your score.
ainunazwaria 10 / 18 5  
Mar 6, 2017   #3
Hai @tuantu1710

It seems that you have organized your essay clearly related to the data provided. Yet, there are several minor problems on your writing. You misspelled "comparision" which is the right word is comparison in your first and third paragraph. Misspelling is one of the point related to Lexical Resource on IELTS assessment. You should be careful on that.

I also suggest you to put some additional linking devices in order to increase your point on Coherence and Cohesion (CC).

I hope it can be helpful.
yuukinohan4 9 / 24 6  
Mar 6, 2017   #4
Hi Tu Nguyen
I have read your essay and i have notice that you mentioned both data reversely. so, i suggest you to mark the data clearly and correctly before you start to write. In addition, it seems that your writing pattern (paragraph one and two were the same). You may use other pattern such as using and exploring application of language of change or language of comparison of both data. How many gap numbers of both data presented. Also, find other synonym of such words, if you do not, you may use such words in a distance. So that, it does not appear like repetition. You should notice about your grammatical error and misspelling since i found any.

hope it helps you...
OP tuantu1710 1 / 2  
Mar 7, 2017   #5
Hi Holt !
Thank you so much for your suggestion ! I will try hard more and do hope to be given more your suggestion next times :))

To Waria : Thanks for your help ! It is very helpful to me.
Hoping to work with you in next times
Many thanks

To Yuuki : Thanks for your meaning advise ! I have to enlarge my synonym as you said !
Thank you and have a nice day !

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