What app miss tira, your essay is good, i have suggestions to your introduction paragraph.
you could use this pattern :
1. Reserve some of the information, paraphrase and use some synonyms.
2. Overview the information
The pie charts illustrate the proportion ...
A comparison of the presentation of online market at a particular spot during a decade before 2003 in developing nations is revealed in pie charts. Overall, it can be seen that the figure for film and music had the highest sales while the rate of travel fall to second position, others were the least popular among consumers in the last period of assessment.