Unanswered [11] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4

A comparison of people's sense towards crime and actual likelihood to be a victim - IELTS1


Beauty17 56 / 88 5  
Jun 4, 2016   #1
Question :

The graph below shows the perceived danger and actual likelihood of being a victim of crime. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

Answer :

A comparison of percentage of people's sense towards crime and actual likelihood to be a victim of crime is shown in this bar graph for 2009 to 2010.

Overall, more people fear of being a victim of offense but the reality was not as frightening as they assume. By far the highest proportion of crime type was car crime.

People's perception towards crime decreased in each type of crime. The feeling danger of Bulgary and Violent crime had slightly changed in 2009 and same proportion in 2010. Anxiety of being car crime victims become a peak to 21 % in 2009 and 18 % in 2010.

Actually, crime was not as daunting as their arguments. A little increased of Bulgary and Violent crime occurred between 2009 and 2010 while car crime contrast with the others. Percentage of actual likelihood of being a victim of crime was 4 % in 2009 and 3.5 % in 2010.




Azamat98 4 / 8 2  
Jun 4, 2016   #2
This is an extremely effective introduction (good control of grammar)
A comparison of percentage of people's sense towards crime ...

Another point that I want to stress is that ideas are well organised.
Good job and luck for future writings!
akbartaufiq25 7 / 81 54  
Jun 4, 2016   #3
Ajeng, this is a good essay actually. Your style of providing a simple explanation within the writing is a good idea. You know, a writer puts reader as the priority. Once you are able to write an essay which is readable to all people, it can reduce some possible mistakes because you gain awareness through several efforts (to make the reader understand) during the process of writing. In this essay, putting some academic words as well as using more complex sentence may be beneficial since this essay almost looks overly simple.

Here are my additional notes on your writing:
"..forfrom 2009 to 2010."
"Anxiety of being car crime victims becomes .." Pay attention to the subject.

I noticed that you misspell the word "burglary" as "bulgary" instead. It may look minor, but the impact can affect your score. I suggest you to proofread by yourself prior to posting the essay to EF. It can help you to be more keen to notice your mistakes in the middle of writing. Good luck on your practice. Let us know if you need more help later.
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Jun 5, 2016   #4
Meireza, aside from others' feedback, I would like to suggest you that instead of separating "A comparison of ..................... is shown in this bar graph for 2009 to 2010." and "Overall, more people fear ................................ crime type was car crime.". It is much better to combine it to prevent ambiguity, there is no paragraph which only consists of 1 sentence. Also, the accurate use of punctuation is crucial to the scoring criteria. This sentence suffers from punctuation problems "...a peak to 21 % in 2009 and 18 % in 2010.", it should be like this "...a peak toof 21% in 2009 and 18% in 2010." (there is no space needed in writing a percentage symbol) . Perhaps, it looks unimportant, but it becomes one of the band score criteria which covers 25% of your final grade.

I also share the same opinion with Akbar for spelling problems. It also becomes one of the scoring criteria which covers another 25% of your essay band score. You will not be able to reach band 6 or above if you still have spelling problems, even minor errors should be avoided. The point is that the more accurate your writing is, the higher score that you are going to achieve.

Cheers :)


Home / Writing Feedback / A comparison of people's sense towards crime and actual likelihood to be a victim - IELTS1