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A COMPARISON OF TRIPS UNDERTAKEN BY CARS BASED ON GENDER - WRITING IELTS TASK 1


ilankelo21 36 / 41 22  
Jun 24, 2016   #1
A breakdown of the proportion of trips undertaken by car according to purpose and driver sex in 2005 is presented in the bar chart. Overall, it can be noticeable that both women and men utilized car for working while a small percentage is seen in the figure for visiting friend.

To begin, more men used car to go to work with more than a half compared to other figures. Recreation rate comes behind at around 12 percent while shopping is the third at one tenth. Other remaining data account for less than 10 percent respectively.

When it comes to women figure, utilizing car for succeeding job considerably dominates all the data with around less than 40%, higher than double for the rate of shopping pace standing at the second pace. This is followed by the use of car to go to course at around 12%, while a less marked figure witnesses in the remaining statistics with the rate below 10% each.




Atchane 2 / 5  
Jun 24, 2016   #2
Dear Ilankelo,
I think your essay really good
Next time try to use passive voice in your writing It's will be more perfect.

Use passive voice when the sentence object is more important than the subject. The active voice is generally easier to read.

Examples (subject, object)

Before: Our results will be discussed.
After: We will discuss our results.

Overall, it can be noticeable that both women and men utilised car for working (...) for visiting a friend.

To begin, more men used a car to go to work with ...
Other remaining data account for less than 10 percent respectively .

... higher than double for the rate of shopping Did you mean space?pace standing at the second pace. This is followed by the use of a car to go to a course at around 12%, while ...

I hope It's will be helpful.
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Jun 24, 2016   #3
Hi Ilham, it is nice to read another IELTS essay practice of yours. I would like to point out some of your weaknesses in order to strengthen it in the next practice. I hope the detailed descriptions below would be helpful towards your writing development.

- You need to bear in mind that each paragraph of your essay needs to have at least 3 sentences in each before it can even be considered acceptable by the examiner. The idea is to have you present a complete thought and understanding of all the aspects of the chart you were provided. By limiting yourself to only 2 sentences per paragraph, you fail to display your ability to express yourself in the English language, which is a major component of the scoring system. Let me give some modifications towards your introduction paragraph:

A breakdown of the proportioninformation aboutof trips undertaken by car according to purpose and driver sex in 2005 is presented in the bar chart. The value is measured in percentage. Overall, it can be noticeable that, (comma needed) both women and men utilized car for working while a small percentage is seen in the figure for visiting friend.

- I think that it is necessary to give some variations of describing the data from the chart. I noticed that in your first and second body paragraphs, you accidentally mentioned the percentage in every sentence since the beginning of the first body paragraph till the end of the essay. Even though you've been using different format, I reckon that somehow percentage is not mentioned three or four times in a row.

Lastly, I also noticed that your essay was lack of grammatical consistency. If you read again carefully, I think you would find these inaccuracies:

- To begin, more men used car to go to... (past tense)
- Recreation rate comes behind at around 12... (present tense)
- Other remaining data account for less than... (present tense)

- When it comes to women figure, utilizing car for succeeding job considerably dominates all the... (present tense)
- This is followed by the use.. (present tense)

You need to remember this one "...according to purpose and driver sex in 2005..." I took it from your overview. Therefore, all of the sentence in body paragraphs should be in past form. I hope you can follow through the feedback given mate. Good luck for the next practice :)


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