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Competition is one of the good ways to encourage young people in developing their leadership skills


nuradiapuspa 11 / 25  
Nov 22, 2018   #1

Preparing young people for leadership



Prompt:
"The best way for a society to prepare its young people for leadership in government, industry, or other fields is by instilling in them a sense of cooperation, not competition."

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

My essay :

There are many ways in preparing young people for having a leadership skill that will be beneficial in their future career paths. Some people argue that the best way is by training them a sense of cooperation in such a work team without a competition. However, there is an argument that competition is one of the good ways to encourage young people in developing their leadership skills. I personally believe that the combination of cooperation and competition sense should be the important things in emphasizing a leaders' charachter in every individual.

It is undeniable that a competition is a good thing for student, and it has obviously been applied in school. For example, there is a rank system that will encourage students to get a higher score than their friends. In addition, there are also many competition in extracurricular activities, such as in sports or games. By training youth with competition, they will be encouraged to focus on achieving their goals and forcing themselves to get the best result. These are definitely one of the important aspects that the leaders should have. In workplace, they will have a willingness to work, not only work, but achieve the best things that will be beneficial to their institutions.

Absolutely, the competition is not a single thing that determine people to be success. They also should have an ability to work in team. None can do such a lot of works in gaining the highest goals by her/himself alone. A great work will be successfully achieved when there is a great work team behind it. Therefore, every single individual should have a sense of cooperation, beside their competitive trait.

By combining both competition and cooperation, everyone is able to be a competent leader and give a greater benefit for their institutions. Those two abilities are definitely thaught in school, but should be keep maintained by a single individual when they want to achieve a success life in their career paths.
rabbasy 1 / 2 1  
Nov 22, 2018   #2
Hi, I think this would probably score about a 4 out of 6 on the GRE.

In terms of grammar
1. You are missing the word 'the' in several places.
- ... for the student
- In the workplace...

2. Issues with singular vs plural
- there are also many competitions

3. Spellings: charachter

I would also work on your transitions a little bit. The third paragraph should start with "Although competition serves a very important role, there are some instances where teamwork is more important"
Tunanut 6 / 12 5  
Nov 22, 2018   #3
There are many ways in preparing ... --> prepare someone for doing something is syntactically correct yet very awkward.

This is a typical mistake. Never let a countable noun stand alone. fix: a good thing for students/ for a student/ for the student/ for the students (all syntactically correct except your version). In this instance, ... for students is semantically appropriate.

the competition is not a single thing.. --> you meant the only thing. Because if you didn't then I don't know what you meant.

determine people to be success --> syntactically incorrect. determine one's success is ok.
Finally, word allocation is unbalanced. Your opening is the second-longest paragraph, which is not a good thing
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 13,013 4242  
Nov 23, 2018   #4
Nuradia, , you are writing this essay for the GRE test. Therefore, it is not to be approached as if you were writing a Task 2 IELTS essay. That is the biggest mistake that you made in this presentation. Your arguments are simplistic for the most part, lacking in true analysis of the given statement, and does not offer a clear point of view based on only one of the two specific choices given in the original statement. There is no halfway point in this essay, only a single point.

Your first paragraph is not understandable to a great extent. I believe this is because you were thinking in your native language and then you tried to translate it into English. Never do that. That is how you end up delivering indiscernible sentences like "Some people argue that the best way is by training them a sense of cooperation in such a work team without a competition." What are you trying to say? Whatever the real message you were tying to convey was got lost in translation.

Please remember that mere proof-reading your paper could spell a passing or failing score in any English test. There is no such word as "thaught", the correct word is "taught". At this point, it is expected that you have already passed your IELTS or TOEFL test, which is why you are taking the GRE already. That means you are capable of writing fluently in English to a great extent, show a high level of academic English usage, and you know how to edit, revise, and finalize your paper before submitting it for a score. None of which is evident in this essay so I do not hold high hopes of you getting an impressive score in the GRE at this point.


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