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[IELTS] Competition or co-operation? - 'shaking hands or being up in arms'


SalMon 27 / 113 10  
Jul 10, 2014   #1
Experts :) can you help me review and rate this essay? I would be so grateful :) Thanks in advance :D

Topic: Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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In our life, there are two main ways to acquire greater achievements: shaking hands or being up in arms with each others. This has always been a hotly debated issue, especially when it comes to educating children. Having certain merits and limitations, both sense of competition and co-operation requires deliberation before it is known which will help children become a more useful person in the future.

To begin with, it is believed that teaching and exhorting a person how to compete with others in his early years may prove expedient in the future as it motivates our independence and self-sustenance which are the hallmarks of a good worker. The aspiration to gain higher scores or prizes than the peers when we were young will gradually grow into the incentive to escalate our working efficiencies which consent to promotion or better income. Yet in this case, there is a win-lose situation when only one benefits while the whole community is rewarded nothing.

Similar to sense of competition, such of co-operation helps children grow individually by developing their interpersonal skills. It is true that none of us will live alone in our entire life, which means we need an array of skills on how to understand, to share and to work together with our partners. Therefore, our life may become much convenient and relaxing since obstacles have been tackled by enormously joint effort.

In addition, coordination brings about communal advantages, unlike competitiveness. It is a rule of thumb that one plus is sometimes three, four or even higher. In the field of business, to offer an instance, two companies that combine into one conglomerate are much stronger and have more resources, hence potentials to burgeon, than two separately working ones. Not until people learn to concess and intergrate for the sake of better profits does the country itself benefit economically and politically.

All in all, I concur that teaming up far outweighs working personally on the ground that it has both small and large-scale positivities. Nevertheless, it is still of great importance to instill both senses on children for a comprehensive development.
ivyaspirer 3 / 5 1  
Jul 10, 2014   #2
Those are just my suggestions but I hope it helped. Other than that, great essay :)
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Jul 10, 2014   #3
In our life, there are two main ways to acquire greater achievements: shaking hands or being up in arms with each others.

Impressive start :)

This has always been a hotly debated issue, especially when it comes to educating children.

Here you are narrowing down the topic a little bit. This is what your prompt says;

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who aretaught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults.

This does not talk only about educating children. It actually speaks more broadly as to how children should be brought up. It is important to understand the real meaning of your prompt and express it in its real sense.


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