On the plus side, military training will have the most effective on people from 18-25.
I can't get it. I have no idea what you want to say here, but I will suggest my own interpretation:
As a plus, military training will render to be most effective for people aged 18 to 25.I like your style, you have good logic and ample evidences, but what you lack is thesis. In my view it's the most important, vital part of the essay, because it conveys your reasoning ability. So the topic asks very nice if you agree or disagree. You are floating in the middle, only touching the pros and cons of the described situation. You are supposed to get a position and defend it, I think. You can either be an exponent of military service, or deny its merits. Not both.