Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4

Computer. Is this electric device the most crucial breakthrough of 21th century human civilization?

anh123 1 / 1  
Nov 20, 2019   #1
topic IELTS
Computers are often argued to be the most important invention of the last hundred years.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Recent decades have witnessed the explosive growth of technology, especially, the arrival of computers. While some people believe that this electric device is the most crucial breakthrough of human civilization in the 21th century, others are in the other opinion that a plethora of inventions besides computers are more essential. Personally, i incline toward the former view.

Frankly, it is undeniable those tools play an integral role in the age of globalization-in the other words, it is an indispensable to uniting the entire world. To be more specific, with a the Internet connected computer, it is not difficult for humans to communicate with each other regardless of the distance involved. As a result, computers facilitate the process of globalization as well as gap the bridge between different cultures

secondly, it is important to recognise that those devices come in handy for almost all of domains like medicine and the economy. in terms of medical care, the appearance of computer related medical equipment enormously improve the precision of diagnosis. with regard to the economy, it is undoubted that computers are regarded as the essential tools. indeed, thanks to its advanced functionalities, the data management becomes easier than the preceding period.

However, some people argue that smartphones are also important innovations which have the same functionalities as computers. it is undeniable that those portable phones permit users to communicate conveniently as well as search for information without concerning the location. Nevertheless, this argument does not work because with the laptop, we do not only communicate, it is a useful tool to draw up words.

in conclusion, i believe that computers is the most crucial electronic devices in the contemporary society

jungsooyeon 2 / 5 4  
Nov 20, 2019   #2
actually, i see you use the word 'regard' twice in the same sentence like 'with regard to', 'are regarded as'. I think you should replace the second 'regard' with 'consider'. they have the same meaning. Furthermore, if you agree that computer is the most important invention of the last hundred year, you should not illustrate benefits of other electric devices like smartphone because smartphone is not computer and it's more convenient than computer. Hence, I think it's better if you only focus on computer's advantages.
Maria - / 1,099 389  
Nov 20, 2019   #3
Hi there. Welcome to the forum! I hope my feedback gives you insight on how to improve your writing. Don't hesitate to ask for more questions!

While I think that the first paragraph is decent, I also suggest trying to improve it by being more straightforward and heads-on when you're writing. For instance, the first sentence needed to really focus more on the value of computers, rather than on other developments that have been happening around it. Being more context-specific will help you in the long-run develop a more strategic type of content.

Looking more into the rest of your writing, the body paragraphs also need to be treated with more precision. For instance, the second paragraph needed to be compartmentalized a lot more, especially when it came to the manner that you wrote the second to third sentences.

The concluding paragraph did not appear like a conclusive remark; rather, it appeared to be supplementary information. Knowing the difference between these two types of content will help you in the long-run to create more substantive content.
OP anh123 1 / 1  
Nov 21, 2019   #4
Thank you so much, your advice is really useful

Home / Writing Feedback / Computer. Is this electric device the most crucial breakthrough of 21th century human civilization?