Topic: Some people believe that computers are more a hindrance than a help in today's world. Others feel that they are such indispensable tools that they would not be able to live or work without them.
In what ways are computers a hindrance?
What is your opinion?
Today's global age is the consequence of computer age. Computer is an electronic device made by the humans for the welfare of human being. Today we are dependent on computer in every thing and can not live without it.
Some people think computer is a more hindrance than help. I will disagree with them; there is positive as well negative use of computer. It depend upon the people how they use it? Increase use of computer leading bad effect on eyes and brain. Apart from health issue, today most of children prefer to play games on computer and they are avoiding social activities. In youth there is increase in use of social websites they do chat and do other activates on these websites rather than meeting friends practically and doing other social activities practically. Some crimes are also associated with computer like hacking, by which hackers steal personal information and misuse it.
However, when we look at the positive impacts of computer on our lives, we will feel that it is very helpful. I will mention about my own field veterinary medicine, some invention in diagnostic tools like C.T scan and ultrasound which are computer linked and has made diagnosis easy and accurate. It is very helpful for doctors to treat animals with such remarkable computer technologies. Likewise traffic is also being controlled by computers, and driving is now easy and safe by use of computer. Today our aeroplanes are using computers for navigation and weather update; it is very helpful for a pilot to fly. Computer has made this world as a global village; we are in keep in touch with peoples around the world. Some forums and are use by different experts of different fields and they share their valuable experience there and it is very helpful for each other. Students are using computer as a library, thousands of books and journals are available to explore by just one click.
I will conclude by saying that there is some hindrance by using computer, but by proper education to the people about its safe use we can avoid these hindrance. Other than that computer is very helpful millions of jobs are created by computer. hence every one is getting benefit of computer from child to adult and from teachers to students so I think computer is very helpful in our lives.
There are several important points that you should consider. 1) Each paragraph has three main parts: "topic sentence", "body or supports" and conclusion. The paragraphs of this essay have no conclusion. 2) Use transitional words and phrases for connecting sentences. 3) Repetition is apparently observed in the essay, 4) Use stronger vocabulary and complex sentences. 5) Finally, there were some defects with regard to the structure of the essay that I mentioned them at the text below.
I think your essay is pretty robust. There are a few issues you could correct. First, you say "I will disagree with them; there is positive as well negative use of computer." Notice the topic mentions some people think computers are MORE a hindrance than a help. This does not mean that they don't think computers have any benefits. On the contrary, it suggests that some people believe the benefits of computers do not exceed the burden imposed by them -- in other words, they do think there are benefits.
One other thing: In the second to last line you mention that computers have created millions of jobs. This violates two principles. Don't introduce new information in your conclusion, because it's improper and out of place. Second, don't initiate a new line of discussion in the conclusion that's controversial and arguably, very wrong!!
Your English is not perfect, but you're able to articulate your message effectively.
thanks AHMAD and MUSTAFA for correction. i am doing preparation for the IELTS, i hope that with your help and suggestion i can get my desirable band. thanks