Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

Computer games are time consuming and they do not provide educational value

fafut123 1 / -  
Nov 5, 2017   #1
Topic: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: Playing computer games is a waste of time. Children should not be allowed to play them.

Evaluation of the copmuter games value for kids

When it comes to the topic of computer games, people tend to develop various viewpoints. Some would contend that computer games are time consuming, whereas others would hold that computer games bring about significant benefits for children. Personally, I find myself in the same place as the former opinion for the following reasons.

First and foremost, computer games are time consuming. Undoubtedly, computer game is the primary reason why children nowadays prefer staying inside to going outside. The amount of time they spend playing games can be used for much more beneficial activitities. Instead of games, teenagers can go outdoor and play with their peers, learning much more about the outside world. Moreover, computer games create severe impacts on them. For instance, since children avoid spending time outdoor and doing athletic activities to be inert and lazy at home, the chances of obesity are much higher. In fact, the obesity rate in the world is now higher than ever before and it is still increasing day by day and obesity also contributes to other ailments such as heart diseased. In addition, playing computer games can lead to weak eyesight since they spend too much time in front of a screen. Therefore, children should not be allowed to play computer games.

Secondly, computer games provide no educational value. Opponents of my point of view may claim that computer game is a source of entertainment for children after a stressful day at school and some may benefits them academically. Nevertheless, this is only true in one respect. It is undeniable that playing computer games makes children become more relaxed, but it does more harm than good. In fact, computer games can promote violence among these youngsters. For example, in order to appeal to youngsters, most computer games companies attempt to recreate violence. Some of the most popular games nowadays such as Call of Duty or Counter Strike are extremely violence, with vivid images of death, explosions and gunshots and as a result, children have the tendency to mimic those actions. Therefore, computer games negatively influence children.

In conclusion, I find myself definitely agree with those who assert that children should not be allowed to play computer games. This is of their negative influence on children.

Holt [Contributor] - / 7,643 2028  
Nov 5, 2017   #2
Hi Vu, listen, you did a good enough job on this essay to score a 3, in my opinion at least. There were a number of mistakes made in the development of the essay which led to the lower end score for your essay. The first problem, is that your opening paraphrase is not exactly accurate. While you did offer a proper discussion instruction at the end, you did not clearly depict the topic for discussion. That is the main reason your score had to be lowered. A more appropriate paraphrase for your essay is:

There is a discussion as to whether computer games as a form of entertainment are a trivial use of time for children. That is why youngsters should be prevented from participating in this activity. I agree with this opinion based on several reasons.

Your opening statement was not really a proper paraphrase of the original prompt because it does not follow the template of the original discussion. In the version that I wrote for you, the theme of the original prompt remained intact up to the presentation of the personal opinion at the end.

Now, the prompt indicates that you have to discuss only one opinion for this essay. There is no option for a comparative analysis. As such, your presentation became faulty to a great extent. Even though you over discussed the opinions, you did not really develop a convincing explanation for any of them because you tried to discuss too much in one paragraph. A standard ruling for the essay response development is, do it within 5 sentences and focus on only 1 topic so that you can clearly explain yourself. That is how you increase your scoring chances in any English test. You must stick to only one discussion per paragraph. Since you have 3 body of paragraphs for the essay, you should use the paragraphs to present 3 solid and convincing evidence of your opinion. There is no need to present an opposing argument as it is not required by the prompt.

The concluding statement is too short and limits your scoring considerations. Always write at least 3 sentences for a better scoring consideration. Just restate the prompt in a new manner, summarize the details of the discussion or topic sentences, then repeat you opinion at the end. Simple, but effective in increasing your score overall.
rubychautran 10 / 27 7  
Nov 6, 2017   #3
I think you already have a quite good sense of grammar and vocabulary. What you need now is to learn the structure of an IELTS task 2 essay, and just write by that formula, then you're good to go!

Home / Writing Feedback / Computer games are time consuming and they do not provide educational value