IELTS ESSAY: Computers - What things will they be used for in the future?

THIS IS FIRST DAY & FIRST POST ON THIS FORUM.I HAVE JOINED THIS TO GET YOUR VALUABLE FEEDBACK ON MY ESSAY WRITING. JUNE I HAVE TO WRITE IELTS ON 21 JUNE SO YOUR FEEDBACK CAN HELP ME TO GET GOOD SCORE. PLEASE PROVIDE YOUR FEEDBACK ON FOLLOWING ESSAY.

Topic: We are becoming increasingly dependent on computers. They are used in business, hospitals, crime detection and even to fly planes.
What things will they be used for in the future? Is this dependent on computers a good thing or should we be more suspicious of their benefits.

Nowadays, computers are playing extensive role in our daily life's working such as business documentation, crime detection, moreover fly planes. Although, computers made our life easy but it has tendency to get easily effected by viruses which may cause of major damage. In my opinion, we should adopt computer technology with care.

First of all, computers are helping us to save our time and it is also help us to maintain environment green due its ability of paperless working. For instance, to apply for any government job was lengthy process, now it is matter of one click. We have just simply log on to the concerned department's site & submit the application. By this, we can save both time & paper. Moreover, tracking application status is become very easy. Secondly, with the help of computer, we can easily record & retrieve the data.

Although, use of computers have lot of benefits but these are very vulnerable of virus attack too. For example, banking account, email account hacking, personal & financial information hacking are name of few.

However, it is very much possible that computers will more involve in our daily life. Driving car without driver may help to blind people for commuting. Scientist also may predict accurately about natural disaster.

All in all, being updated and adopt computer technology is necessity of today's life, if we will use computers with little awareness, it can be more beneficial for us.

hi. I am also prepare for TOEFL. I can say something about your essay. I think that a essay should give one answer and all reasons should develop it. But in your essay i couldn't understand something. because you have wrote about benefits and also suspects about computer.

hello ilaha,

Thanks for your feedback.

in context to may essay, i think,to show contrast is demand of the topic that's why i wrote both, positive and negative sides of the computers.

what you think about it?

hello fikri,

thanks for your feedback.

i wil appreciate if you can tell me about, how much band i can obtained in ielts with this kind of writing.
it will gives me idea about my current position.
and please specify, if you can, about area in which i have to work to improve my essay writing.

reagrds:
rocky

Overall it is a good essay, but here I've got some improvements:


or


When You write about something which happens in a present for a long time (not now) use present simple:

thank you very much AXED for valuable feedback

Although, computers made our life easy but it has tendency to get easily effectedaffected by viruses which may cause of major damagesto the data that are stored in them.


....very clever idea. I like to present it a bit differently;
First of all, computers help us save our time while maintaining the environment green with its ability to support paperless working.

First of all, computers are helping us helps people to save our time and it is also help us to maintain environment green due its ability of paperless working.


this sentence needs more details.


This is not a clear example I think. Create the example using journalistic questions: who? how many? what? when? where? result?