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Nowadays computers are used in business, hospitals, crime detection and even to fly planes...


MaximKlopunov99 13 / 22 4  
May 15, 2016   #1
Can you give me all your suggestions about this essay and the average score, please.

ESSAY TOPIC :We are becoming increasingly dependent on computers. They are used in businesses, hospitals, crime detection and even to fly planes. What things will they be used for in the future? Is this dependence on computers a good thing or should we he more auspicious of their benefits?

Human beings are becoming more influenced by computer technologies: desktops, laptops, tablets, smart phones etc. Few years ago, if you wanted to surf the internet or to play computer games, you had to visit local cyber café and pay for particular time. Nowadays, there is more than one computer in each house. Actually, in our homes desktop computers are being replaced by portable devices. Our laptops travel with us by plane and by train. It's hard to imagine what you would do if you forgot your computer going on a business trip. You run a risk of getting fired.

On the one hand, in the future computers will be used to replace humans in all the spheres of life. The predictions are quite troublesome. Nowadays, many individuals lose their jobs due to the fact that computers take their place. Hopefully, we don't trust computers enough to rely on them totally and give them the power with our every day life.

On the other hand, there are some situations where we can't stop them completely, for example, when travelling by plane equipped with automatic pilot system. There is certain inevitability that technology will progress and become increasingly complex. Today we become addicted too much to computer technologies; this is the reason why, one day, will discover ourselves controlled by them.

It's never late to mend the situations by being extremely vigilant trying to prevent this turn of events. However, if it happens, we must remain the dominant part of the computer system.
pebzna12 13 / 24 9  
May 15, 2016   #2
Hello, Max!

Hopefully you are allowed me to give some suggestions to your writing.

Basically, I have no problem with the idea and the organization of you writing, even I think it is already well-delivered. However, there are some minor problems that I still find in your writing.

"Today we become addicted too much to computer technologies; this is the reason why, one day, will discover ourselves controlled by them." >> I think you miss the subject in the last clause (we will discover ourselves controlled by them)

And another one your closing sentence in the last paragraph quite confusing for me. Maybe it is better if you elaborate it more so the meaning will be clearer.

"However, if it happens, we must remain the dominant part of the computer system ."

It will be nice if this will be helpful (:
OP MaximKlopunov99 13 / 22 4  
May 16, 2016   #3
Hello, Pebzna!

Thank you for having commented my essay. As for my first sentence, it was a misprint. The sentence in the draft was correct.

As for my second sentence, I'll take into consideration your suggestion.

BTW, you made a mistake too It will be nice if this will be helpful (:
We don't use future after "If" you should have written "It will be nice if this is helpful " :)
Sawsana 5 / 16 2  
May 16, 2016   #4
Hi Max . i think you need to change some words in the last paragraph to show the reader how can you conclude the paragraph perfectly, however your essay is very good one . The organisation and the structure very acurate and clear


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