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Conscience upholds a string of moral values in life; SAT practice essay


jtpl 1 / 2  
Jan 4, 2011   #1
Hi moderator,
I need your help in reviewing my practice essay for SAT since I will soon be taking my SAT. Your kind feedback is greatly appreciated.

Question: Is conscience a more powerful motivator than money, fame or power?Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience or observations.

Answer:-
Conscience is a precursor that determines one's acts. The question if conscience is a more powerful motivator than money, fame or power is always left unanswered. Many people are still dubious if conscience is deemed as a more powerful motivator in addition to the increasing global issues threatening world peace.

The cruelty and ruthlessness in Adolf Hitler, who came to power in Germany in 1933, epitomizes the dominance of power over conscience. Adolf Hitler, the infamous killer, is known to have executed approximately six million Jews, almost entirely effacing the Jewish population. Hitler had the Nazis to imprison the Jews, perform mass murders and enact Hitler's prominent murder method, which involved burning the Jews' bodies in crematoriums. The merciless deeds of Hitler have proven that the hunger for power and fame would sacrifice innocent lives. Conscience would no longer be justifiable if cupidity is to take place.

On the contrary, Mother Teresa's benevolence through her missionary work has portrayed the true meaning of conscience. It is her conscience that strongly motivated her to sacrifice her own welfare for a charitable cause that involved diminishing poverty. In fact, her dedication in eradicating indigence has earned her a Nobel Prize award for World Peace. Mother Teresa was once asked on how to create world peace and she answered, "Go home and love your family." Her remarkable response has opened the eyes of every individual worldwide and encouraged great conscience in everyone.

Conscience upholds a string of moral values in life. Without conscience, the world would be in havoc as everyone would be easily influenced by hatred and jealousy. Furthermore, in the contemporary world, where fame, money and power are regarded as the desires of life, strong conscience is definitely important to preclude people from these deceptive temptations.

Therefore, for conscience to be a more powerful motivator than money, fame or power, one cannot afford to show indifference in current global issues and historical pasts because the past and the present remind us of the imminent danger that would befall us if we lose our conscience. Literally, negligience of fame, power or money is sometimes a virtue that is worth possessing.

EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Jan 6, 2011   #2
I think it will be a better essay if you add a thesis statement to the end of the first paragraph. That paragraph is very short right now, and I think you can improve the whole essay by adding a sentence that tells the main message of the essay. Add it at the end of that first paragraph.

One thing epitomizes, but two or more things epitomize. Use the correct plural:
The cruelty and ruthlessness in Adolf Hitler, who came to power in Germany in 1933, epitomizes epitomize the...

Awesome! I challenge you to add that thesis statement at the end of paragraph 1, and also I think you should add one last sentence at the end of the LAST paragraph... and leave the reader with some "extra" final thought to consider. :-)
em2always 15 / 79  
Jan 6, 2011   #3
your very 1st para...you did not take a stand...taking a position is the FIRST MOST IMPORTANT THING TO DO IN AN SAT ESSAY...those who sit on the fence fall off

its seems like your last 2 paras are bot conlcustions...combine them and cut them dow... use your space more effectively..

please check out my essay on leadership
OP jtpl 1 / 2  
Jan 7, 2011   #4
alright..will work on it and get back to you on this...thanks...
OP jtpl 1 / 2  
Jan 7, 2011   #5
How is this?

1st paragraph
Conscience is a precursor that determines one's acts. The question if conscience is a more powerful motivator than money, fame or power is always left unanswered. Many people are still dubious if conscience is deemed as a more powerful motivator in addition to the increasing global issues threatening world peace. However, my personal opinion says that conscience exists in every person and it takes authority when one attempts to backfire his or her own conscience.

last paragraph
Therefore, for conscience to be a more powerful motivator than money, fame or power, one cannot afford to show indifference in current global issues and historical pasts because the past and the present remind us of the imminent danger that would befall us if we lose our conscience. Literally, negligience of fame, power or money is sometimes a virtue that is worth possessing. In a nutshell, conscience is capable of being a powerful motivator that renders benefits only if it is coupled with rationalism.

I am not sure of how to end the last paragraph with a convincing sentence. Please help me with this.


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